I've mentioned in previous posts that as a young teen (13 – 14, MAYBE 15, but I can't remember) I had an inappropriate attraction to cousins younger than me (ages 5-10 though it was mostly the ones who were 8 – 10) and had inappropriate fantasies or did inappropriate things in the pool (i.e. rubbed my leg against theirs) or had them sit on my lap, or in one instance sat on on my shoulders facing me such that their crotch was in my face and against my mouth (to which i got the idea to breath in to see if I could taste anything). These are all things I still feel tremendous guilt about 14 years later. I've talked to my parents and therapist about these things.

However, the problem is I'm worried I did worse or did other things to other people. I know the hallmarks of OCD and "What if?" and that sort of thing. I'm scared because I read how, with OCD, you'll worry you did things in the past you highly disapprove of. The problem for me is it gets so confusing because I DID do some things I disapprove of and I'm horribly concerned I've done worse, or other things to other people. I'd worry about them, I'd get images, I'd have scenarios play out in my head like a movie. Sometimes it's even vivid as if it's playing in my head and I can "hear" (not actually hear voices, it's not a schizophrenic thing) people say things in their voices. It all feels so real and it scares me. Often times when I reassure myself that the things never happened they still come back to me and I worry that they may have happened. Some I've worried about for so long that I can't even remember where the worrying began and where the images/scenario came from which only worries me more and makes me think it's a memory even moreso. I know a lot of this stuff falls into common OCD worries with POCD and all that, but there's stuff here that I actually did so it makes it harder for me to chalk up these worries I have to OCD.

So where do I draw the line? My friend, who also has Pure O, suggeste that I draw the line at the stuff I clearly remember doing, but I am so scared I have a real cause for concern that there's more. In some instance I worry the REAL events happened differently (i.e. that maybe I did more than I remember when they sat on my lap, and I have all these visuals that pop up with that).

I reassure myself by noting that present day interaction with these cousins are normal, but even then I worry. I also worry because some worry revolves around concern that I may have somehow done awful things to a baby cousin (with that one I have no clear memory of ever having done anything, just worries, images in my head that I am worried i did, and a scenario of how it could have happened if I really did do it)

If anyone could weigh in it would be appreciated… thanks…