I'm still waiting for the meds to start helping.  I'm at 50mg of Paxil now and can't notice much difference.  The more I learn about OCD the more of "me" I question.  How much of my personality is going to change when the meds start working?  I'm really looking forward to the changes because there is a lot that I do that is really time consuming and causes anxiety.  All this time I thought that was just who I was or how I was.  I thought I was lazy and slow, but that seems to be because of all the thoughts clouding my head and keeping me from doing things at a normal speed or just plain keeping me from doing some things at all.

I'm trying so hard to take care of myself better and not rely on my partner so much.  Since I am an adult and live on my own with my partner, she has no help with me.  I'm also learning the difficulty of vocalizing some of my thoughts.  I've kept them in my own head my whole life. 

For the first time yesterday I explained why it takes me 10 or 15 minutes to pick out what I am going to wear in the morning.  I touch each article of clothing that I want to wear (which probably isn't appropriate for work) and then I touch each article of clothing that is appropriate for work.  As I toach each shirt or skirt or pants I have thoughts about what flaws each piece has or why I don't want to wear it.  I get upset that I'm looking at a whole closet full of clothes but have nothing to wear.  Sometimes I get so anxious standing in front of the closet, that I lay down on the bed and just look at the closet from far away, still trying to pick something out.

How can a grown up who hasn't ever experienced this understand?

Of course, this is just one of the things I have trouble with.  I can see the OCD in almost every aspect of my life, so I'm asking myself now, who am I?  What am I going to be like when this is under control?



1 Comment
  1. pmmeff 13 years ago


    I am too new a this to help.  I am just starting celexa.  My depression, so far, =overwhelimg.  Be thankful and kind to your partner; I would give anything to not be so alone. 

    Good luck to us all; we all need it.

    0 kudos

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