I can't believe I haven't written here since January. The time between my last post and nowhas been both the quickest and slowest time of my life. I ended up not being able to go to my class the next day. I was really dissapointed, but didn't want to give up so I emailed my dean right away. He was able to find an online graduate class that fufilled my requirement which means I still get to graduate in the spring, and the anxiety didn't win. Since then I have been doing much better. I stayed on a leave of absense from work, and started to feel myself again. I was able to go out and see friends, and I went to a big party and was able to enjoy myself, anxiety free.

I was supposed to go back to work March 1, however they keptforgetting to add me to the schedule, meaning I had a couple extra weekends to prepare, or so I thought. Last Saturday they called me in last minute and I jumped on the oppurtunity. I had no time to dwell or panic, and made it through the entire shift anxiety free. I was so happy, and felt invincible.

Tuesday I took another turn. I had a sleepless night and all of the sudden the overwhelming anxiety came back. I tried to calm myself down, but I had a full blown panic attack, throwing up and everything. I tried to downplay it and not let myself dwell, but all I kept saying was "how am I supposed to go back to work on Sunday" in my head. Even though I JUST DID IT and was fine, I feel like I am back at square one.

My psychiatrist perscribed meKlonopin a month ago. I have been too afraid to try it, I have had bad experiences with medication before. As per my therapist's reccomnedation I took a half of a half tonight, which like I expected did nothing. I am planning on trying a half tomorow, but must admit I am really nervous. Anyone who has had experience with that medication I would love to hear your thoughts. I also take buspirone.

My therapist told me today I have to stand up to my anxiety and go to work. I know you all know it's much harder then it sounds. I'm struggling to find my inner strength I once had, but hope I will find it once again.

Hope everyone is doing well.


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