I saw my psychiatrist this last Tuesday and told her that I had been stable but then had a few weeks of hell with my anxiety recently. She feels that besides my anxiety that I am bioplar II. I have been on Neurontin 300mg three times a day for almost a year, Klonopin 1 mg two times a day, vistaril 50 mg prn. All SSRI's were discontinued, they make me worse; that is one of the reasons she feels I am bipolar II besides seeing me in a hypomanic state of anxiety. I don't know what to think but I do know I hate being so anxious all the time and if my anxiety is not controlled it turns into panic attacks. A few months back she wanted me to try Trileptal – after 4 days I was suicidal – I felt like someone put a can of Raid on my head – poison… So I was upset about it – not wanting anymore new meds and have just been on the above regimen for months now. Well after telling her Tuesday that I had toubles for a couple weeks previous from seeing her she gave me some samples of Saphris – antipsychotic – I don't even like the name of that class of drug =( I took a 5 mg out in the parking lot cause she told me to take it in the mornings and I barely got home – I was in a severe brain fog – it was awful. I debated never taking it again but she wanted me to still give it a try at night before bed – I started to think I will just get off everything – all meds – but my reality check is I need them to be stable. I do not want to become out of control again and end up in the crisis center again. So last night I went to bed without any meds but woke up and did a lot of thinking about my whole life and how I have been, all my episodes – I then took my Neurontin 300 mg, 50 mg vistaril, 1 mg klonopin and half of a half of the Saphris. The nurse said I could reduce the dose. I was very anxious last night before taking the meds but am feeling okay today thus far. So every once in awhile I try to get off my meds then I get a reality check that I need them. I do not want to need any meds. I do not want to take any meds but unfortunately I need to =( I am going to keep trying low doses of the Saphris at bedtime and see if it helps my anxiety. I hope everyone is well, I hope my blog made sense – thanks for reading <3