After reading the comments to my blog yesterday, I came upon a realization. My biggest trigger to anxiety is the fear of being stuck with a bad situation. As soon as I read fallingangel's reply I broke down in tears. It was so insightful and so completely accurate. She said, "My OCD often makes me feel like something bad will happen to me if I do something enjoyable…" I have been experiencing this for as long as I can remember.
-I don't go on vacations because I am afraid I will get sick and be out of my comfort zone or the flight will be cancelled or the car will break down and I won't be able to get home.
-I have panic attacks at the start of each new semester even though I love my work because I fear that I will not be able to uphold my contract then I will get fired, then I will be broke, then we will lose the house.
-Every year we go on a canoeing day trip wihich is so much fun, but before every trip I get all worked up about being stuck on the river for the whole day.
-I have wanted another dog since mine died last year, but all I can think about is that I won't love her, she'll hurt the cat, she'll ruin the house.
-I love music but I never listen to the radio or cd's because I'm afraid of a song getting stuck in my head for a long time, which has happened before and really sucks!
-And I don't want to have children because what if something bad happens to them or me.
Maybe I have problems with commitment. Even though I consider myself a very reliable person, the "what if's" scare the hell out of me. How do you even begin to get over this? I wish I could just cut out the part of my brain that deals with foresight and planning for the future. I just want to be able to live in the present.