Change is scary. Change makes even people with normal brains struggle to adjust. I do what I can to hold myself together during change but it's never been a strong suite for me. Friday at work they switched my computer out and gave me one with Windows 7, instead of Windows XP that I had been using– and they did this while I was still working. My icons were all over the place and I was still trying to answer phones and help customers. I didn't have any time to adjust. Normally, if you give me a few minutes to put things how I want them, and then study and accept the final result; I can function. I was being told to keep working through this and I didn't have any time to accept the change in my brain. I cried. I held back and did what I could, but tears were coming out. I cried over an upgrade on my computer. Yes, this type of change is usually a challenge for me anyway but I've been handling things so well lately. I just cracked.
Honestly, life is throwing a few curve balls my way. I may or may not be moving accross the country (which is something I really do want to do, as scary as it sounds). And oh God, don't get me started on what moving does to me anyway. Having all my belongings in boxes and trying to find the perfect spot to put everything at the new place. I all but break down. I know as a human change is inivitable and I've learned to do what I can to slowly allow these changes to happen. But not knowing the details is painful. Not knowing how I'm going to handle it is scary. What's worse, the love of my life is probably going first, for maybe 6 months without me. After that 6 months I'll know for sure if I'm going there or if she's coming back home. Not knowing and not being able to plan for even tomorrow becasue this 6 months might start any day now, is killing me. Should I plan to move or should I plan to be strong for this 6 months apart, what really comes next?
So I cry for two days, don't want to get out of bed, depressed and numb, I cry. These aren't the only things I cry about. Yes, it's PMS time and maybe it's just hitting me really hard this month? Yes, the moving thing is a big deal. But the computer thing hit hard. I don't even really know what's bothering me. I feel like I'm dying inside, so I cry. Nothing in paticular, I might even be making stuff up to be upset at because crying feels so good right now. The things is; this isn't me. Have you seen the Lego movie? I'm Unikitty; optimistic, happy, sanguine, bubbly, positive, and energetic. Who is this girl taking over my spirit? She's not me. She is hurt- but for no real reason. She is sad. I think this is depression. How do I make this go away? I'm struggling to be me right now and I don't want to be this version of me anymore? I need to be strong again. (It's not like they gave me Windows Vista, right? lol)