well, I have become very distant from my friends and my steprothers and sisters since my parentsdied over 10 years ago. I fell into a depression so dark and deep that I didnt even think it was possible to feel that bad. the break with my step sisters and brothers was immediate after the estate was settled. I moved a lot, cell phones arent listed. If they even wanted to get in touch we me, they wouldnt have been able to. So the day before yesterday I had it in my head that I really wanted to talk to my stepsister martha. She got married and moved to a new state so there was no way for me to find her. I had to break down and call my stepbrother doug. I was really scared. doug and I had a lot of issues while working on the will and estate. it was so awful. my sister was yelling at doug "this was my moms" doug replied "well this was my dads" I am considerably younger than any of them and am the only one that grew up with herband my mom as my family. so I got between then and told them they both needed to chill out becaue everything in this house belonged to my parents. My other stepbrother david was there and he pulled doug aside and told him that I was right. after that we were able to have a nice reasonable conversations about who should get what. Thank God, because I was so broken from my moms death that I really could not take anymore yeslling. This is just a mild example of the stuff that went on while we settled the estate. once that was all done, I never talked to any ofthem again. Martha and I were pretty close and I have thought about her often ovr the years. Like I said befre I had to call doug to get the number. I was so nervous. He actually seemed happy to hear fom me and we talked for awhile. then he gave me marthas number and I called and we talked for awhile. she was at work and said she would call me at the end of the week (which is today).I am nervous and excited about it. I am actually afraid that I put myself out there just to be rejected. My emotions are all mixed up over this. It was such a hard step for me to take.

Then, again facing my fear, I tried to message my friend doug. we havent talked in a long time. all my friends backed away when my depression got so bad. Part of me understands, it must have been so hard and frustrating for them to watch me go through that when there was nothing they could do about it. But on the other hand, where did they go? I needed them. Maybe with them around the darkness would not have been soooo dark. My friend Bill never left. and for that I am grateful. my friend jimmy stuck around too. but matt,matt, doug, marty and katie all faded away. I have been working on my relationship with katie, but its not going as well as I had hoped. but these things will take time. so anyway, I digress, I tried to message doug becaue I saw he was online. I said hi and he said hi back. then I asked him how he was doing and he logged off. so I decided to send him an email on facebook. unfortunately you cant send an email on facebook. and my email will probably be long, too much for that little chat window.

after 8 long years of extreme depression, over the last 2 years I have been getting progressively better. and I really want to be part of my friends lives again. when I was hanging out with them I was at my best. We all were.

I know that with my stepsister martha the ball is in her court and I really hope she calls me. but with my friend doug I just dont know what to do. we had a great connection. he is very cynical and he brought that side of me out, but in a humorous way, always had a great time together. do I sendhim an insanely long message on fb? I dont know his phone number or email, but may be able to get them. I dont know what to do, all I know is I have to make a real effort. and if it doesnt work out at least I tried.