Well I'm suppose to rebuild my life now, only because there's no other choice, but I really have no desire to do so. I no there will only be more of the same for me, people in need who will want me, and then use me allalong claiming to love me, then when they've had there fill I'll be tossed out without even the slighest bit of thought. I do not fit into the scheme of life, never really have. I have this desire to just leave, to go, only I cannot, there's no place to go, no way to get there, and no onewaiting for me. Something inside has changed, I'm dead, I've died over and over in my head, I just do not have the the ambition, nor do I have the clear headed drive needed to get anywhere. My choices are toallow what has happened to go, rebuild my life, try to learn to trust and believe in people and the world again, to gain what has been taken, denied me, taken from my children. I'm getting older, now I have no savings, no health insurance, no way to even get around, this is what i have to look forward to, a life living in poverty as an old woman alone and bitter, possible out on the streets, that's is where I'd be if I weren't where I'm at now. I believe I'm at a place where I am forced to make a choice, and I don't like my options. No ones going to save me, only use me, example if I prositute myself I can get things I need, that's my choices for help, if you have sex with me I'll put a roof over your head and feed you, believe me I've been so low I've considered it, I need money desperately so i can have electricity and get a car, to get a job. I don't like my options.My daughters birthday is coming up in April but just like Christmas there will be nothing I will be able to do for her to celebrate. Time is giong by without me.I must make a decision. I am going to be selling what I have left on e-bay, then i don't no what I'll do. I think maybe I'm so broken that there's no way to mend, to repair the damage to my pieces of life, I feel so different, almost cold, sometimes one minute I'll be ok, 2 minutes later in tears, most of the time numb, I get up take care of mom, cook, clean what she'll lst me, piddle around, but there's just no meaning for me anymore, I think I finally understand the saying" I don't care".
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WOW I just joined today and have been looking at the site to find someone or something that shows how I feel. I know this isnt comforting but I dont feel as alone.