Last night I opened up to my husband. I regret the way I did it. I expressed my feelings. I told him I was afraid to die alone. I told him I'd pull the trigger but it takes at least 10 minutes for the brain to die and I wanted him to hold me while I go. I was speaking completely from emotion and not thinking how this would affect him. How selfish of me! I was in so much pain I didn't think about anything else. I feel terrible about this. I want to express my apologies for this but he has asked me to stop talking about it and thinking about it which is like telling a tiger not to have stripes unfortunately. I will keep my mouth shut from now on and keep it inside as I don't want to hurt him again. He is genuinely afraid today and I feel guilty for this. The ones closest to us hurt us the most. My intention wasn't to hurt him or scare him my intention was to release it and ask him for help because I was scared. I told him if he loved me he would let me die. Wow how irrational was that? I know that now. The pain was so overwhelming that I couldn't see it though. He got angry because he was scared. I've always taken care of everyone. That's my nature. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Just desperate for the heartache to stop. Inside I tell myself that I deserve to feel this way that I deserve to die that I deserve to be hurt. My mistakes led to this. When does that little voice inside tell me I've had enough torture? When can I allow myself to be forgiven? When can I move on from the pain? I have two weeks left before we move out of state. Out of this memory filled area. I'm holding onto that. If I can make it till then it should get easier. Just trying to hold on till then. Someday is only weeks away. Please God let me last that long.


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