Ok, so I haven't blogged in forever. A month give or take a couple of days. My thought process has been tainted by some events in my life which have led me back to the part of a emotional state I was in approximately six months ago. At the time that I wrote a blog on [link=”http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=36261450&blogID=165056310&Mytoken=4B7550A5-D23B-4595-A10FAEF01A79867A34308112″]THE BLOG ABOUT THE EX [/link].I left out a tidbit of information that I think I need to get off my chest.
In the recent months, I've revealed my HIV status. Months prior to that I would occasionally vent or dedicate a blog to an ex that was there for me through the beginning. I was with him before I found out my status and he stayed with me after knowing. After going through that, having another man's baby and other countless trials and tribulations of our relationship, should I really just let go and believe that distance is what pulled us apart? It was his choice to join the military and I would have followed him to the moon if he went there. If we weren't strong enough to make it through that then was our relationship lacking substance in the first place?
I ask these questions now because for the first time in my life, I no longer daydream of the big wedding, the love of my life sweeping me off my feet. After another short-lived relationship has come to a halt, I am taking time out to try and figure out what the hell my deal is. Why can I not really let go?
Part of my answer I know lies in my HIV status. At the time that my ex and I were together, I was not strong enough to talk openly about it and kept quiet for his sake and others in my life. I am at times to led that our relationship remained due to sympathy which angers me because we survived a lot and he had plenty of chances to just throw in the towel, so why wait until distance comes in the mix and not even try to make it through? Why, why, why. Why….
I hate this and I hate that I still think of him oceans away from me and I hate that he is with another and I hate that I feel like I will never find another and I hate him for loving me so much when he did because now no one can ever fill his shoes and I hate that he fills my mind relentlessly and I hate that I can still smell him. It's been three years, I should be past this by now, yet here I sit hurting others, thinking about myself and not letting go. I've prayed and I promise you I thought I was over this.
I'm not. March 11, 2007