Wow I am so anxious lately. Really it is awful. I am trying everything both bad and good to relax. Healthy and non. Just anything! I have always been a nervous person, but now with all the thoughts and worries weighing down on me I'm worse than ever before.

I am worried about legitimate things, it's not just something that hits me out of nowhere. I realize that some people who are stricken with anxiety tend to have panic attacks without warning. For me, it is more of a build up of worries that gets to a point where I am sitting in a chair, winded, unable to catch my breath because I am so distraught. I have a lot of things to worry about and very little to keep me busy in a positive manner. That is not good for anyone who is struggling with depression or anxiety because it gives you more time to think about things that bug you. More time to rehash regrets, feel bad about the here and now and worry about the future. However, it's not like I actually enjoy this. It's not like I take time out to be a worry wart. I think that i am truly unbalanced not only in the way of being depressed, but with anxiety as well.

Things that make my anxiety worse are: not enough sleep, too much caffeine, and not enough food. I also get anxious the day after I drink. Those are the physical things. The emotional things that make me anxious are: trying to socialize (even on the FB chat!) talking to people at all (unless they are really close to me), Dr. and other appointments (obviously) and again, socializing. Really the social thing is the main problem. Thinking about my exboyfriend also causes a HUGE deal of anxiety.

It's hard to just not think about him or about anything else that causes me pain. I can't just will it away. That's why I know I need meds for my anxiety. There's just no two ways about it. I take meds for my depression because my brain can't make serotonin. I guess whatever causes people to be calm enough to get by my brain doesn't make either. I really dislike the idea of chemicals because they all have side effects. Every single drug has side effects whether it's prescription or an illegal narcotic, they are all basically things that cause problems sooner or later. That's why I try not to complicate things with a lot of medication. Especially psych medication because it can be a real tricky thing to find the right one that doesn't make you worse.

I would like something like a benzo to help with the anxiety. I don't want it for fun either, I enjoy drinking but I don't want to feel like I need a drink all the time because I am nervous or anxious. I guess prescription drugs are supposed to help with anxiety. But a lot of them are addictive. That's really frustraiting to me. I don't want to be addicted to a bunch of things, I try to avoid that if possible, I already have an addictive personality.