Traffic killed me today. I drive 70 miles round trip a day. That may take 3 hours of my day. A good day it’s slightly over 2 hours. When I reach my threshold it’s never good. I am only barely hanging by a thread to lose my temper and I’ve lost it before. The problem is it triggers my anxiety and when I become anxious I suffer General Anxiety (I researched it same time as today). The day before, I ran into some music I had been looking for over 20 years and the ecstacy of enjoying that long wait was thwarted by the big rig with a mile’s distance of the vehicle in front.  I screech past it in anger. It didn’t help I was holding my insides for 50 minutes, 30 minutes in traffic and 20 minutes  finding a stall that wasn’t locked or recently demolished. Each time “I knew it!” and the third time I said it loudly, luckily with nobody around but i probably wouldn’t care either way who heard me. Suddenly everything feels like I’m Billy the Kid finally being tracked down by Sheriff Pat Garrett. I can’t have the simple joy of listening to a lakers podcast in peace. My cell phone on the freeway is my only friend but the infamous southern california traffic forces me to choose between life and just enough sanity to get from point a to point b. sometimes i’d rather risk life for that momentary reprieve. And all things don’t work. Suddenly the elevator doesn’t work (it did but in my anxious state of mind the button was broken) My life is a routine of traffic, job, traffic, drink till i pass out 5 times a week. I have “Al Bundy Syndrome” is what I call it. Today also is my father’s birthday. He died 12 years ago of suicide. I don’t think of it, never were close. but i wonder if this can be a factor. I’m grateful I stumbled on this site. It has good tools and I feel better already.

2 Comments
  1. elpis 3 years ago

    I’m sorry you’re going through this things seem tough….not really sure how this site works but I just wanted to let you know I get it and understand how one thing can lead to an avalanche of emotions and other events that go down hill. I try to distract myself as much as possible when this happens.

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  2. quiet1 3 years ago

    I can certainly identify with your anger. I have been there and unfortunately find myself there all the time. I always wonder why are people such jerks or if there is some higher power that is working against me. When these things do happen to me I do take them personally. I am seeing a counselor and I am hoping that it will help.

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