6/3/09 11:35 am
Get a kind of adrenaline rush from rushing around setting up computer software and hardware (like installing windows 7 to replace buggy windows vista)
need to stop rushing around frantically , need to pause and consider what I need to work on but feel depression and emptiness when I pause, feel myself jonesing for the adrenaline rush and not having to really think about where I am going and where I need to go. There is a sense of loneliness that is terrifying. I know that I have a higher power , God, who is there and there is the fellowship that comes from places like this website. Blogging is a way for me to share with others. Blogging gives me a chance to open up and stop isolating and to connect with the fellowship here and with my higher power. Help me God to deal with facing the cold loneliness inside that I run from. That cold loneliness is so painful and i feel so abandoned and despairing.
feel a sense of despair because i feel i can never do things perfectly enough to satisfy my inner critic and judge. this is why i keep myself numbed by adrenaline from rushing around. The adrenaline rush distracts me from facing my inner judge, jury, and executioner. I know that God has saved me but that knowledge is more intellectual and not really felt by mself on an emotional level.
Help me God, Help me HP to surrender to let go of my clinging to my adrenaline rush and to face my inner emotions with more courage, i need your help JC. Help me to let my addicted self go for at least a little bit.
12:23 pm .
took care of one errand, need to get my day organzied which takes some time and which I resent doing but need to do. Feeling torn between how to manage urgent problems, want to just bury my head in the sand like an ostrich.
i am also addicted to defiance and avoidance and self sabotaging. Part of me feels i don't deserve goodness and success and wants to tear myself down. That part feels very familiar and when I try to let go of the self sabotaging and self destructive side, i feel a huge hole in my soul which tears me up. I need a new wineskin (metaphor from Bible, Matthe 9:17) to pour my life into.
Over 12 hours since last entry in here. Getting ready to go to bed. Was addicted to reading website about Microsoft Windows 7. I get obsessed with software, probably my way of avoiding dealing with real life issues. Need to check my email and feeling resentful and overwhelmed and want to disregard it but know I shouldn't. Feeling urge to surf erotic web sites which is another addiction. Help me God to avoid getting stuck. Help me to face my real life issues.
My other addiction is food, overeating and feeling wish to indulge in there as well.