I went to the beach on Monday evening.The sky was violet,blue,gold and amber.It was raining in the distance and there was three levels,the ocean,the rain coming down and the sky.Then the thunder started and lightening flashed on the violet and gold sky.
Gee it was awesome.I walked along the beach just looking at the sky in a trance.It blew me out how something so beautiful was right there,for free!
But today was a horrible day.When i was walking to work my body felt like lead.I had to go home at 1pm,I felt like my head was going to explode,and I was in so much pain.I have not asked to go home early in years.Even this year when I was in the middle of my full on breakdown and was feeling like death at work,I never asked to go home.I stayed until the end,but today i couldnt handle a minute longer.
Phoebe was good about it and said just go home,its Ok,but Richard made me feel like I was lying.I used to feel like I could talk to Richard about anything,but now I know that was a mistake.I just get such bad vibes from him now,its awful because I really respect him as a person ,but I feel like he thinks Im lying when Isay I have all these medical problems.But im not,I dont want to be like this.I just feel like he looks at everyone else and says they are all Ok,but you,theres always some drama with you.
I cant let that happen at work again.I have to try and start feeling better.But its so hard,some days its bearable,but others I feel like I just cant go on.And theres nothing the doctors can do.They cant fix the medical issues,and the mental issues stem from the medical ones,well,not all of them,but ultimately the doctors cant help me.Its frightening.Its a war I fight all the time.
But I cant live like this all the time,i have to start making some progress.I know its ultimately up to me ,no one can help.But what a huge task.What a mammoth task,just trying to feel half OK.
I guess I have to just take a small step at a time,if I dont start nothing will change.