I’m standing outside on the porch of my apartment because I don’t get internet inside. Sorry I haven’t been on this site. It is freezing out here and that is just a reminder. I thought this was over. I thought that the help I got in the hospital and in intensive groups after I felt like it was the last straw an d tried to kill myself. I thought they found the right medicine for me. I thought I had the right help. I was ok for a while, a few months, but now it’s coming back. It was stupid of me to think that this wouldn’t come back. That I was better. That they had fixed me. I guess I was just lying to myself. Or maybe they were lying to me. It never goes away. I am going to have to do this for the rest of my life. I find myself now wishing everyday that something would happen, an accident, a random malfunction in my body, that would just kill me. So I wouldn’t have to keep reliving this pain. So the people I love wouldn’t have to watch me go through this again. I don’t know what to do. I have told my doctors. They are just readjusting my medicine. But that is not enough. I don’t want to go though this anymore. I don’t want to keep putting the people I love through this anymore. I can’t stand this feeling. It’s like a tornado destroying everything, body and spirit, in it’s wake. My life is on a loop. Why is this happening again? Why does it keep happening? I have so many questions, and so little answers. I can’t even explain this feeling that I have to anyone, because I can’t put it into words. I am stuck with it enveloping my entire being. And the guilt is so strong along with it. I need help. How I am going to get it, I have no idea. Thanks for letting me vent.
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