I’m standing outside on the porch of my apartment because I don’t get internet inside. Sorry I haven’t been on this site.  It is freezing out here and that is just a reminder.  I thought this was over.  I thought that the help I got in the hospital and in intensive groups after I felt like it was the last straw an d tried to kill myself.  I thought they found the right medicine for me. I thought I had the right help.  I was ok for a while, a few months, but now it’s coming back.  It was stupid of me to think that this wouldn’t come back.  That I was better.  That they had fixed me.  I guess I was just lying to myself. Or maybe they were lying to me.  It never goes away.  I am going to have to do this for the rest of my life.  I find myself now wishing everyday that something would happen, an accident, a random malfunction in my body, that would just kill me.  So I wouldn’t have to keep reliving this pain. So the people I love wouldn’t have to watch me go through this again.  I don’t know what to do.  I have told my doctors.  They are just readjusting my medicine.  But that is not enough.  I don’t want to go though this anymore.  I don’t want to keep putting the people I love through this anymore.  I can’t stand this feeling.  It’s like a tornado destroying everything, body and spirit, in it’s wake. My life is on a loop.  Why is this happening again? Why does it keep happening?  I have so many questions, and so little answers.  I can’t even explain this feeling that I have to anyone, because I can’t put it into words.  I am stuck with it enveloping my entire being.  And the guilt is so strong along with it.  I need help.  How I am going to get it, I have no idea.  Thanks for letting me vent.

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