I feel guilty for just being alive at this point.

I still have no real progress on getting healthcare. My Crohn's symptoms are getting worse without meds, but I can't afford my medication. Not if I want to eat, have electricity, and pay my share of the rent. But it seems like the social view is that I deserve that.

Dying a slow painful death as my body destroys my intestines, and I become malnourished and suffer from blood loss seems less like a worst-case possibility and more like an inevitability.

I will run out of savings soon. My boyfriend can't afford to support both of us. I have little in the way of family, and I don't feel like I can ask for support.

I just feel like I'm going to drag him down with me and make things worse for him.

All the while, the social messages are out there: healthcare isn't a right, people who say they can't work are all just lazy and looking for a handout, all these support programs are just a drain of resources and take money from people who work hard.

Those things, to me, sound like I don't desrve to live. At best, I should be living out of my car before I can be deemed needy enough for some form of support.

I've done a good job in the past of ignoring those messages, but it's so hard to fight off now, especially as I try to get help and then find out I don't qualify. In spite of claims that a bunch of people are getting "handouts" now, more easily than ever.

I don't want something special; I want to be free of choosing between dying a slow painful death and going into serious debt. I have always wanted the same for everyone, not just something for me.

But the social current is that someone like me is a freeloader, lazy, looking for a handout and a free ride, and deserving of whatever suffering comes my way. In my case, very real physical suffering. Maybe even death.


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