The feeling of drowning. It’s a feeling of sheer helplessness, of forced subservience, of loss of control. As the waves continue to batter you again and again, nature never giving in, never giving up, always stronger, always mightier and always the winner. You gasp for air, your body craving oxygen but your head falls beneath the surface and you slip further and further down, the depths of the ocean awaiting you.
That’s how I feel a lot of the time, perhaps more often than not. It’s a sickening feeling but it’s become familiar, it’s known, it’s somewhat reliable because I know that it will be back, I feel it will return.
I often feel like I just manage to bring my hand up to break through the waves and I wait for someone to grab me, something to grab me and pull me up, to save me, but nothing and no one can save me. I’m alone and falling, alone and drowning, alone and suffering.
I feel like I’m faced with a giant boulder and a steep mountain to push it to the peek of. I know that I’m not strong enough to make it, to complete the task so I slump down beside the boulder and rest on it. No matter what, I can’t escape it and even when I try to move it, I end up leaning on it unable to detach myself from the pain that I know and feel.
Why do I feel this way?
Why is this my burden to carry?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why can’t I fix it?
Questions like these constantly fill my mind, constantly invade my thoughts. They make me feel angry and frustrated but most of all, helpless. I’m not the one in control even though I so desperately want to be. I’m not the driver, I’m a mere passenger and the road is beyond repair, too many obstacles to avoid.
The sadness and depression let up sometimes, never for long, never forever but just enough to provide some momentary release. The waves mellow out as the fierce winds retreat. The ocean becomes serene and the sun’s rays hit my face. They feel warm and comforting, gentle and caring. I can feel a smile stretch across my face as I absorb the happiness and joy that surrounds me. Instead of drowning, I’m floating, letting the current take me wherever it wishes because I’m content. I feel free and light and blissful.
But you know what they say about the eye of the storm…
The dark clouds inevitably move in and replace the shining sun as the object of my sight. The rain begins to pour down and the waves begin their dangerous dance once more.
The loneliness I feel in times like that is crushing. The feeling of no one there to catch you when you’re falling, no one there to comfort you when you’re down but most of all, no one there to share in those blissful moments, however rare they may be. You don’t only need people to help you when you fall, you need people to be there when you stand back up as well.
I have never felt like I’ve had anyone like that, someone to love and be loved by. Someone to share myself with and someone who would share themselves back. I feel like I have so much love to give and so much of my heart is empty and waiting for someone to fill that space. Someone who is everyone to me.