"oh take it all away i dont feel it anymore"
i'm thinking alot this morning i mean i'm always thinking about something, but today i seem to be stuck in my head. i keep thinking about not finding a job. i find myself starting at my phone waiting for it to ring and be someone offering an interview at least but i get nothing. the fact that i really have nothing to do but sit here and wait around isnt helping its just making me all the more anxious and frustrated. i cant keep looking to my family for money when i need it, i mean its not like i have a ton of bills or rent to pay but i should be able to handle getting my dog her food every month…..i think because the things i need are so little and i cant afford them on my own, it bothers me. then having people telling i need to get a job and stop being lazy who dont see me everyday, dont know that i am trying, and have no idea who hard it it is sometimes to go out to these interviews and comitte to hours…just make it all worse. and my parents whom i live with and are having finacial problems themselves right now try to help me….that just makes me feel so freaking horrible.soo i go apply to more jobs and get rejected and feel even worse and slip back down that hole again….
the other thing on my mind today and most everything is the relationship between me and my….i really dont know what to call him right now. uhm this guy i met online(yea yea i know) we've been talking for about 5- 6 months now and i really really like him and as does he. about 2 months ago we were talking and he says he'd really like it he could call me his girlfriend. i simply told him no becuz we hadnt met yet and he was totaly kewl with it and said that we'd meet when he was in my area(he travels for work) and go frm there. during that conversation i thought great sounds like a plan cause i really to like who i believe him to be (nvr know for sure with online things) but afterwards i started thinking. and a certain detail pop into my head with a really big bang…..he's married….yea. the logical part of me said to just never talk to him again but then i remembered he said he's married yes but its an open marriage…..idk what to do cause i really want to meet this guy and see if its for real but then im not sure how i feel about him being married. i mean theres nothing wrong with open relationships if everyone involved is on the same page, im just not sure i am. so im kinda torn between telling him to forget it and leave the whole situation alone or to keep an open mind and see what happens. i also have to wonder if im just lonely and want someone "around" thats outside of everything else going on…….