Today is just another day of emptiness. today i feel like im loosing all hope in this world and what my life means. I have been diagnosed with depression 1 year ago and have been combating it since.
I was doing well, facing and overcoming my fears and problems, getting back to a normal daily routine. Then i didnt make the grade to go back to uni this year. no big deal for 'normal' people but i just couldnt feel like everything was going to be ok like i kept telling myself it would be. I left my job because i couldnt take it any more with the anxiety disorder i had due to a bullying manager and they wouldnt let me take a few weeks off after my nan and uncle had died so i left. so now im stuck at home, all day everyday, trapped. my boyfriend has my car to go to work and i have nothing. I cant get out of bed again, im not eating properly again just snacking, which is pilling the weight on even more.
i feel like im sprialling backwards not forwards! i really have had enough, im a prisoner in my own home which is filthy because im too stressed to clean it up and my boyfriend too lazy to help me!
I constantly tell him how he could be doing more to help me break this cycle i had and try and get up at a normal hour but i dont cos i cant sleep and he stays up all nite playing games or watching tv, I then feel incredibly guilty that i blame him for this when its my problem. then my head stars spinning out of control and the problems mount up until i am at the bottom of a very dark hole.
i just want to cry and loose myself but i cant do that i know i need to pick myself up but i just dont know if i have the energy or strength to do that.
i feel my life has lost all meaning and having lost a sense of my completely looney family who play games on one another i feel a complete mess.
i am the outsider in my family the black sheep and i have heard the horrible things my parents say about me to the other members of my family behind my back but i cant let them go. i no i need to cut them out of my life but i just dont know how!
if anyone out there knows how i feel i would love to talk to you or just to find your blog and read it so i know what you felt and went through. i just feel so completely isolated and like everything i have done to get back on track has been a waste of time and effort.
now to do the thing i hate most but it just feels like its the only thing to do – and that is eat chocolate and stuff my face with crap. then feel terribly guilty about it after and make things worse. i will deal with those feelings later.