Today is just another day of emptiness. today i feel like im loosing all hope in this world and what my life means. I have been diagnosed with depression 1 year ago and have been combating it since.
I was doing well, facing and overcoming my fears and problems, getting back to a normal daily routine. Then i didnt make the grade to go back to uni this year. no big deal for 'normal' people but i just couldnt feel like everything was going to be ok like i kept telling myself it would be. I left my job because i couldnt take it any more with the anxiety disorder i had due to a bullying manager and they wouldnt let me take a few weeks off after my nan and uncle had died so i left. so now im stuck at home, all day everyday, trapped. my boyfriend has my car to go to work and i have nothing. I cant get out of bed again, im not eating properly again just snacking, which is pilling the weight on even more.
i feel like im sprialling backwards not forwards! i really have had enough, im a prisoner in my own home which is filthy because im too stressed to clean it up and my boyfriend too lazy to help me!
I constantly tell him how he could be doing more to help me break this cycle i had and try and get up at a normal hour but i dont cos i cant sleep and he stays up all nite playing games or watching tv, I then feel incredibly guilty that i blame him for this when its my problem. then my head stars spinning out of control and the problems mount up until i am at the bottom of a very dark hole.
i just want to cry and loose myself but i cant do that i know i need to pick myself up but i just dont know if i have the energy or strength to do that.
i feel my life has lost all meaning and having lost a sense of my completely looney family who play games on one another i feel a complete mess.
i am the outsider in my family the black sheep and i have heard the horrible things my parents say about me to the other members of my family behind my back but i cant let them go. i no i need to cut them out of my life but i just dont know how!
if anyone out there knows how i feel i would love to talk to you or just to find your blog and read it so i know what you felt and went through. i just feel so completely isolated and like everything i have done to get back on track has been a waste of time and effort.
now to do the thing i hate most but it just feels like its the only thing to do – and that is eat chocolate and stuff my face with crap. then feel terribly guilty about it after and make things worse. i will deal with those feelings later.
You may read my profile and see I have suffered from depression since I was a young girl and I have no one in my family right now. Remember this, they say that the people that hurt you are the ones that love you, I say let them talk because they are letting someone else alone. If you want to get back into things try getting up in the morning and taking your boyfriend to work and go looking for a new job. It will be hard at first be you have to believe in yourself. This year for me has been a major roller coaster ride and I am hoping, no I will start getting it to slow down once I get into my new apartment on monday but I will be lost without the internet till I could get it hooked up. If you want to talk, I will listen and answer but will be down starting monday until I can get the internet back up or if I can fine a place close to me where I can get it. Don't worry we all have those days in eating all kinds of goodies and putting it on but it is so much harder to get it off. Take care of yourself and don't worry about any one else, that is what I was taught from my doc and I am trying to keep that in my mind no I will keep that in my mind. Keep a positive mind and you will do it. God be with you.