Ok.. so I’m having a freak out moment.. My heart is beating so much faster than it should.

I was watching tv, one of my favourite shows, "Bondi Rescue" (for those who don’t know, its a show about the lifeguards on Bondi Beach) and they got called out to a reported body floating in the ocean. It was a dead man. The man had gone into Rigor Mortis.. They talked about what might have happened, drowning, fall of the cliff.. suicide.. As I was watching this i started to cry.. I don’t know this man. Though in some ways I am this man. I’m dead, and i’m rigor mortis….frozen.. unmoving.

This is really freaking me out. Like seeing myself on the TV. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m like.. I don’t know.. I can’t put words to it. Scared.. upset.. anxious.. they all don’t seem to fit.

I know one thing.. When I die, I will make sure that when i’m found, I will make sure that only trained people will see my dead body. I wont let some poor savillion finding my body. They don’t need to life with the sight of my dead body for the rest of thier lives. They deserve better than that. I will die either somewhere where only trained people will find me.. or i won’t be found at all.

It’s shows like this that really put things into perspective. Death.. is like so quick… You can’t fight it.. It will come.. just a matter of how and when… My life is in my hands and I don’t want someome else to be responsible for my death. Thats unfair. My death will be my responsibility. A responsibility that i am willing to take on.