*POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING* – I will be talking about self-harm in this blog post, fairly graphically at one point. Please read at your own discretion.
So, it’s been a while. In fact, the last time I posted on this website was 2012. How time flies. So much has happened since then; way more than I could possibly fit here. But there is something that has been on my mind for a while now, and I just need to get it out; somewhere, anywhere.
Last year I was diagnosed with BPD, co-morbid with a previous diagnosis of OCD. Since then I have been on a year-long DBT course. Before this I was self-harming multiple times a week. It was my way of getting by; my comfort, my release. It was such a big part of my life, and the only thing that was constant and that I could rely on to take away some of the pain and fear I felt. Of course I realise this was not practical or healthy, and is not in-line with some of the things I hope for in life. I have spent a year of intensive therapy learning how to refrain, how to surf the urges, how to make pros and cons lists in my head before I picked up that blade. I have experienced the guilt of giving in, multiple times, and the shame of allowing myself to dismiss the skills I have learned and opt for what I knew best. I have been there and done all that, and for a number of months now I have not self-harmed regularly. I slip up very occasionally but it has never been serious or required treatment like it did last year.
But here’s the kicker. I miss it. I miss it with such intensity and such a sense of longing. I don’t just miss it as a function or a temporary fix; I feel almost like I am grieving for it like I would for a friend. Something deep within my soul is craving it so very deeply…screaming out for it. Every single day I think about it; I catch myself fantasising about it…about the feeling of the blade hitting my skin, the pools of crimson that form in front of my eyes before rolling down my arms, the lasting physical sensations that replace all of the emotional pain for just a little while. DBT has taught me the skills I need to physically refrain from hurting myself…but it didn’t prepare me for this immense sense of loss I am feeling. I cannot explain it, and quite frankly I feel really over-dramatic as I write this, but I just cannot shake the feeling and the desire, and the grief.
I am incredibly thankful for the skills I have been taught. In fact, I honestly don’t think I could put my gratitude into words. But at the same time, this involuntary sense of resentment for feeling unable to just allow myself the thing my whole being is crying out for. It feels as though I am in a constant battle between refraining and just giving in every day, and it’s so exhausting. I am currently trying to complete assignments and revise for exams for university, but all I can think about is this. I have tried to conceal it and not talk about it for quite some time now, but I am starting to struggle at a level I’m unsure I can cope with. I just don’t know what to do any more.
Self harm, I never thought I would say this…
but I miss you.