firstly thanks to everyone who read my blog, i know i am not alone, i know i have friends who will help, as sad
 as it sounds i dont want my parents help. they werent there for me when i needed them so i dont want them to think they can come and take over now coz they wont.


and as the title states (although its nearly 9am) i have been up since 6am, i cant seem to sleep lately and its doing my head in, its making my life hard as my work is suffering and thats not good. i think i may see if my doc will sign me off work from tomorrow for a week or 2. i just need to sleep and usually its when im working or something. And im sick of the nightmares.


i should also tell my fella how im really feeling as he knows something is up i just dont know how to tell him as he will just sit there and go uh-huh, uh-huh etc and that really annoys me. i want him to understand what im going through or at least have an idea. Also, he wants 2 kids and this is what scares me as i dont know if i can put myself through this again. i think he understand though when i say lets see how we cope with the first. mainly as i will be at home most of the time and he will be working so it will be easier for him, he gets an escape. he seems to think i will be sat at home all day doing sod all while he works, not that ill actually be looking after the baby or anything or keeping the house clean. he says he is joking when he goes on about stuff like that but at the mo i feel like he isnt and that really annoys me. ive said to him not to joke about it as it winds me up but he still does it. 


meh. all i feel at the mo is that i cant cope. 


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