I hate myself today.  And, I barely have the energy to do that.  I can’t even get passionate about my pain, and hurt.  I am getting lost in the ennui of it all, and I just want to disappear at this point.  I don’t have any will or fight left.  I am purely coasting.  Jordan is coming by – and I don’t want that.  I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be around people, either.  I don’t want to entertain – I don’t want anyone to EXPECT ANYTHING from me.

"Sometimes all I really want to feel is love
Sometimes I’m angry that I feel so angry
Sometimes my feelings get in the way
Of what I really feel I need to say"

I don’t feel sorry for myself.  Just tired, and unconvinced that I have it in me to be what anyone needs me to be.  I feel like an insufficient human being, and all around failure.  So emtional…  so lost…

Is this because it’s August?  Because of what happened this month…  years ago?  I am sure that’s a part of it. 

I just don’t want to exist, right now.  I feel like I’m a burden to everyone I care about.  Everyone…

"If you stand in a circle
Then you’ll all have a back to bite
Back logged voices on the 7 wonders
We’re all so funny but he’s lost his joke now
A communication from the one lined joke
A stand up comic and a rock musician
Making so much noise you don’t know when to listen
Why are you judging people so damn hard?
You’re taking your point of views a bit too far
I made my shoes shine with my coal
But my polish didn’t shine the hole"

I don’t think I do anyone any good.  Not anymore…

I am so confused and such a mess – I can’t see myself becoming what anyone would want me to be – not anytime soon.  Probably never…  I don’t think I have what it takes to gut out the day to day.  All the sickness and depression – all the terrible pain in my stomach…  it’s overwhelming me today, and I just want to let go of everything that hurts, and drift away.

Someone who matters a lot to me said that he would be devastated if I did that.  I could not help thinking – maybe, at first…  but, ultimately…  he’d probably be better off.  I am such a burden to anyone who truly cares.

"If you stand in a circle
Then you’ll all have a back to bite
Back logged books on the 7 wonders
We’re all so funny but he’s lost his joke now
Our communications come from one lined joke
From stand up comics and a rock musicians
Making so much noise you don’t know when to listen
Think it over
There’s the air of the height of the highrollers
Think it over
You aint got nothing till ya know her" (Modest Mouse, "Edit The Sad Parts")

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