so, i've basically just ruined Easter for my family (btw, Happy Easter everyone I hope you have a blessed day)

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we were supposed to go out to eat, and I tried….I really did. but I couldn't get out of bed, I'm a mess, throat sore for vomiting, anxiety and serinos playing out in my head about could happen.

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but I was still going to tey but then mom said just to forget, it was to much for me she should've known better.

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so instead my brother and dad are going out to eat and as soon as they come back the three of them are going to see our grandmother (on my moms side) she said if I think I can handle that then that's fine.

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but i'd have to wear long sleves because she doesn't want her to see my scars…..I think she's just embarrased to be seen in public with me. so I don't think i'll be going to that either.

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something really hit last night and it just shattered me into dust. I was looking at some nre photos some friends posted. and they are so, so beautiful inside and out. they have a life, they are moving forward.

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they are everything i'm not. I'm an ugly stain that just won't was away. I bother them and bring them down. I wonder if I should even try to have friends anymore. what good am I to them?

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they don't need an ugly little pig-whale following them around. the deserve better. I tried reaching out again for someone to talk to, but they were either busy or didn't pick up the phone.

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I went to the suicide prevtion chat center, because I felt to anxious to talk on the phone. but I felt rushed and like he didn't really say anything that was useful…

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i'm tired of reaching out and getting my hand bitten off…I just need to fade away. I can't do it anymore.

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where it will lead me, I don't know. But I do know i'm not needed, i'm not even someones last choice, i'm no choice at all.

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I know I said I wasn't going to be posting for awhile but I really needed to at this moment…so, sorry for bugging you all.