Some important changes since my last post.
This may be the last time I write about CT in this way.
I love her but I can’t let her hurt me in this way any more. I was giving my all to her throughout my recovery. She was as much a part of me getting better as I was. But this is not effective. I will be happy for a while knowing somebody is there for me. Knowing we will meet up in 3 more months in Seattle and talk about the possibility of getting back together. That gave me strength. I have grown so much lately because of this strength. But she has a way of ripping that away from me. I will not take the blame for this. I have been the best I can be! I have been a great person!! I have change, I am changing, I want to continue to change. She has not changed. It is not my place to change her. But I can’t let her hurt me. To explain…
Her and I will be good for a few days and then all of a sudden she will figuratively stab a knife in my heart. This time she waits to the last minute to tell me she is flying out to see her ‘Friend’ as she calls him. For the weekend before going to London. This comes after I waited a Month for her. She implied they wouldn’t see each other after this month because he was graduating and she was going to be in London for her second semester. Once the month was up I stayed strong and got through the very hard fact that she slept with this guy. I still wanted her! I still want her! She told me she would text me when she broke up with him because she didn’t see how she would ever see him again. I waited two weeks. I moved on while silently waiting for the text. Then all of a sudden she stabs this fact in my heart. I have to ask when will enough be enough? Will they stay together when she is in London? "No" she says. Will they meet up in London? "No" she says. Will they be together when she gets back? All these questions she either implies or tells me flat out "No". But I was fooled twice before. My heart was ripped out twice before. I’m a better person so I understand why she needs him and I but I was not doing right by myself.
My sister and best friend have told me to move on. Friends on this site have told me to move on. All I wanted was what was best for CT. So I kept giving her more and more. I told her I would be there no matter who she was with. I told her I would wait however long. How do you back out of a promise like that? I guess by realizing I am being taken advantage of. By realizing the more I give her the more she takes from me. This recovery is about me. I need to be strong and do this for me.
I didn’t push her away like when I originally broke up with her. I didn’t lie to her and tell her I didn’t Love her any more. I didn’t tell her she had to move on. No, I told her I was there for her. I told her I would pay to see her or have her come see me. I would do anything to save us in that moment. No, she didn’t want anything. She doesn’t know what she wants. So I must assume she wants this other guy with me on the side. I can’t stand for that. Yes I am going to hurt her by not being there for her but she has made that decision this time. I did my best. I can’t put myself out there to be stepped on any more though. I don’t blame her because we have both hurt each other in the past but I also can’t blame myself. I must just let her go and let myself go. I can move on.
My friend and sister suggest not answering her calls or texts. Give us some real distance. I know it will hurt her and it will be hard for me but maybe they are right. Otherwise I will just continue to be there for her… giving her everything she needs while I get nothing in return. Where would I be at the end of my recovery after all that? What would the meet up in Seattle be but another stomping of my heart. No, they are right. She is cut off. I am on my own. It’s sad again but I realize it is the only way. Please support be DT friends. Please tell me I am not crazy.