I was sitting at my computer working on a paper for one of my classes while listening to pandora. The song save tonight came on and all of the sudden I found my self thinking about how the song paraleled a situation that occured with me not to long ago and about the exsperience itself. It hurt then it still hurts now I know its the past and it isn't changing I just wish things would have come out differently. I wanted to hang on to hope that it would so I waited and hoped and that hope helped to keep me going but with closure comes loss of hope. When I used to go into that memory it used to not hurt because it wasnt really a goodbye at the time it was more of a be right back now its just a sad goodbye I couldn't accept and I'm left wondering if that was always what it was on his end or if it didnt start out that was just finshed like that. There's a boy that fancys me…he's great with a few exceptions but im still haunted by the ghosts of things that I wish were different. Its not the fact that I cant change the past that is killing me at the moment it's more the fact that it seems like no matter how hard I work at reaching anything I seem to fall short. The weight of past failures or, dress rehersals for the main event as I like to frame them, are weighing heavily on me. It's hard to keep trying with enthusiasm when all past attempts have come out wanting but I keep trying anyway thinking things will be different but it's getting to the point where I start wondering how many times does one have to stick their finger in a burning candle before they learn it hurts them and quit doing it?