My dad's brother called and invited my parents to lunch (it wasn't specific whether I was invited). I feel obligated to turn the offer down…my parents already had to spend Valentine's Day with me. I guess it's the least I could do. I wish I could just go away, die or however you want to say it. I bring nothing but worry to my parents and cost them money. Really. What good am I to their lives? All I can think about is the money they will save if I'm dead and gone. They could cremate me so it'll be inexpensive. I feel like such a burden…there is no way out of this (all of the solutions I come up with either take time or money). After Monday's visit with the psychologist, I'm going to try and cut back on how often I see her. Mypsychiatrist is already making me come see him every two weeks!I can't keep doing this. It's $ 55 per visit with my psychiatrist and psychologist!! Odds are I would not qualify for disability because of my age. So I see only two options: go off all of the medications and pray the roof doesn't cave in or just bring the roof down so I can end my life.
As a teenager with depression, I felt there was hope…boy was I wrong. I wish I could just go back to the day when I was fourteenand take more medications so dying would have been more likely. As I sit here, shielding my laptop screen from my parents' view, I think about all of the medications I am on. Surely if I were to take all of them, I'd die…there are so many of them!!
I'm really considering it…more than in the past. I have nothing good to contribute to this world. All I do is cost people money and pain. I'm am almost certain God haseither turned His back on me or that there is no God. I don't care anymore…I have nothing to live for.

2 Comments
  1. jim0340 6 years ago

     Years ago I thought like that, it would be better if I was gone, it was when I was really depressed. With help and time it got better .When I was a teenagers I had a real good friend that killed himself. I didn't fully understand why, The people that knew he was very sad and hurt and missed him so much.

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  2. Lost_Bella 6 years ago

    Hi Tess, I read all what you posted and feel the same way for many years now. I feel i always felt i am better off dead then alive. No one has to burden with me no more. But since i have two kids and one on the way i have to keep reminding myself They love me and I am loved. Even though you might think it's better being dead or no one would really cares if you are that is far from the truth. It barely took me until last year to realize that. I been suffering with depression and among other things since i was 6 and i am now 35. Every med out there i took every form of therapy i did and the only thing that help is my writing and going to see the ocean. My daughter who is 9 has told me I love you mama and your the best mom i could ever have.You do so much for my brother and i and he is older and that what makes you the greatest mom ever. See i never thought i was good at all because i let both ex husband's take them when i couldn't take care of myself years ago. I also blame myself alot for letting them see the mental and physical abuse i had over the years. Luckliy my son got help but my daughter has alot more to go. No one can honestly truely be better we all are going to slip sometimes, have our bad days and even make alot of mistakes. But the best part is you learn and you forgive yourself and try to move on. I know easier said then done believe me i am still struggling but i am hanging on. Remember no one can take away that special kind of person you are unless you let them. Hope things get better for you sweetie and that you find some kind of peace of mind. REMEMBER YOUR BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT! Take care and best wishes. Bella

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