My dad's brother called and invited my parents to lunch (it wasn't specific whether I was invited). I feel obligated to turn the offer down…my parents already had to spend Valentine's Day with me. I guess it's the least I could do. I wish I could just go away, die or however you want to say it. I bring nothing but worry to my parents and cost them money. Really. What good am I to their lives? All I can think about is the money they will save if I'm dead and gone. They could cremate me so it'll be inexpensive. I feel like such a burden…there is no way out of this (all of the solutions I come up with either take time or money). After Monday's visit with the psychologist, I'm going to try and cut back on how often I see her. Mypsychiatrist is already making me come see him every two weeks!I can't keep doing this. It's $ 55 per visit with my psychiatrist and psychologist!! Odds are I would not qualify for disability because of my age. So I see only two options: go off all of the medications and pray the roof doesn't cave in or just bring the roof down so I can end my life.
As a teenager with depression, I felt there was hope…boy was I wrong. I wish I could just go back to the day when I was fourteenand take more medications so dying would have been more likely. As I sit here, shielding my laptop screen from my parents' view, I think about all of the medications I am on. Surely if I were to take all of them, I'd die…there are so many of them!!
I'm really considering it…more than in the past. I have nothing good to contribute to this world. All I do is cost people money and pain. I'm am almost certain God haseither turned His back on me or that there is no God. I don't care anymore…I have nothing to live for.