nights like this are really tough. sadness, lonelyness, hoplessness…all though feelings surround and engulf me. i feel like i can't breathe, anxiety makes my heart race, and all i want to do is have it end. by now i know, i can achieve happiness somewhere sometime, someway, but more and more i come to the presumption that i will never really be safe or happy at this college. i still have the end of this year and senior year left to go.
i know that i can happy, i picture myself at the law school i want to go to, safe and happy, a clean slate at a sunny warm school where my sister will most likely be an undergrad. it would be great because we are three years apart and since law school is three years and she would go into college a year before i get there we would both graduate at the same time. i picture myself there, and i think, here is a chance to be happy. but at nights it feels so much like it may not be worth it and all i want to do is give up. my heart breaks in two and i look around and see that i have noone around me. i am alone.
i repeat to myself "you are smart, you are kind, you are pretty" and i feel it and at the same time i reject it because my life and all my efforts for the past few years do not bear that out. maybe, no definately something that bothers me tonight is that a guy i was friends with, who was interested in me, he has not been returning my texts after he let me sleep over two weeks ago (i did not hook up with him) and i left in the morning due to a hangover while he was still sleeping, not saying goodbye. it is dumb and unimportant, it is one in a line of little dissapointments but it still hurts me at night because everyone else has left me. all my friends have deserted me, and no matter who it is, i don't want to be thrown away again, and even though i know it is not true, it makes me feel worthless and like no one will ever want to be around me again. classes are canceled all this week, meaning that i have had to cancel all my counciling appointments and that i have been even more of a recluse than i normally am. i have only spoken to my roommate yin….and missing even casual dialoge and conversation in class hurts me.
i will not reach out to friends who i know all to well can only hurt me, and i have no classes to go to in order to be social and make other connections. the guy, who was basically my only connection to a social sphere outside old friendships….he seems to be gone. i don't know if he is mad at me or weirded out because we cuddled in bed that one time. it doesn't matter and i wont count on it, but it still affects me.
if hitler came over right now and knocked on my door, i swear i would invite him in to hang out… that's how starved i am for human interaction. i still worry about classes, about success….getting a summer legal internship…i can make it, i can at least make a stab at good grades and summer options, but more and more i feel like that is not enough. i like myself and yet i hate myself because i cannot seem to make things work. being decent looking and somewhat astute does not make me love me, or the life im living. it makes me hate a part of myself, because i feel like nothing i do can fix the pain i suffer, and sometimes i whine in my head, "why does all this have to happen to me?" which is awful and wrong and weak…part of me as emerged from the fires of my worst depression but a large chunk of me feels like it has died. i feel like i have died and what has replaced that part is this awful thing….someone i do not want to be, but am almost forced into being. it is this hateful, pessismistic person, not exactly pessimistic about myself, pessimistic about the world, about other people. i don't want to think so little of people, and i feel like most of what i experience in all my interactions lately only shows the dark sides of human nature, and i don't want that, i don't want to know what i now have to accept as gospel just to get through the day and cope with other people's actions. being me is no enough, because the me i am right now has an ugly, needy inside that hates people, that hates seeing them do awful things to me and others. i overhear girls talking in a cafe and all that comes through is the gossiping, the meanness, the awful tricks and decipts…things were not like this in high school…i did not have alot of friends, i was not popular, but i did not think that girls could be this way….and the adage i hear from men about "girls being mean, catty and dramatic" resonates in a way it never has before. all i want is for someone to come along and prove to me that this is not always the case. i want, need, a friend, i need mercy, because i handle the depression, but it breaks me down inside and gives me such an ugly view of others. as i start to feel hope for myself i wonder if there is hope for the people around me.