So I'm finally taking the chance to share what this is like with the universe. Before anyone freaks out, I'm not actively suicidal at the moment and most of my self-inflicted injuries are healing.

 I'm now up to 300mg of Zoloft and 50mg of something that starts with a T and I'm to lazy to go look up. I'm also supposed to get a Mani-Pedi at least biweekly and keep spending an hour a day with my full-spectrum light. Oh… and the Omega 3 fatty acids. Besides seeing the doc every other week, therapy weekly, and group at least weekly. You can't say I haven't tried.

 It's good to be out of the hospital I guess, but by the third go-round it just seems a little silly. This time I did self-harm while inpatient but not badly enough for anyone to care. I think the thing that is worst is that it doesn't make sense.

By everyone's standards I ought to be healthy happy and in the prime of life. I'm married to a man who practically worships me and we have two great dogs. I'll graduate in two weeks with a Master's in Social Work. I have two job offers.

 Oh, and I pretty much have the worst depressive episode of my life. It's so hard because I did everything "right" when it got bad, I got counseling. When it got worse, they added meds. When it still got worse they locked me up. How much do you have to do to survive this thing?

That and the everyone's got a diagnosis part. Maybe it's also ADHD… The symptoms are similar to Borderline Personality Disorder… Are you sure you've never been the opposite? Like I don't know what manic is. I own the DSM IV, I'm not a total idiot.

So, venting is a good thing. Maybe I'll even post some poetry.


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