I’ve been cut down so many times, I don’t know how to stop expecting it.  I carry myself like I’m always anticipating the next blow.  And, somehow, I always seem to be reeling from the last…  I am such a damaged person.  Why would anyone want to be bound to such a weight?  Like, a f@cking anchor to tie around his neck… 

I need to stop expecting bad things to happen.  I need to be able to trust.  I have gotten better with that, lately.  At least a little…  when Ace trusted me, to tell him the truth about whether I was using, or not, and I did tell, even when I knew it would let him down, that taught me something about honesty and trust.  He put so much faith in me – a junkie he had only recently met, because he knew I was his friend, and I cared too much to lie to him.  I need to be able to trust like that.  I’ve just been run through so many times, and so hurtfully. 

And, I have become more trusting.  Under similar circumstances…  when I was trying to talk down a friend who’d been teetering on the brink of picking up a serious drug habit…  I was there him, and also trusting of him.  I had faith that he would tell me, if anything went wrong in his efforts not to do this thing.  I still have that faith.  It’s an important part of the process.  Owning your mistakes, and owning up to them, so that you actually confront that sh*t, and call it like it is (rather than rationalizing it away in your head).  And, this person seems to be doing really well with the whole thing (not touching the stuff), so I am mad proud of him.

But, generally speaking – I just expect sh*t to fall apart.  I expect the other to shoe to drop in virtually every situation.  I expect to be smashed like a bug.  I figure, I may consistently deserve as much.  I figure these trends are as much my fault as anything, because I bring sh*t on myself.  I don’t even know how I do it, anymore.  I am like a f@cking lightening rod for human weakness and depravity (and not the fun kind – I rarely attract people who are sadistic in a fun way.  Truly sadistic types who are as about that freaky sh*t as much as I am – I’ve managed to attract such characters maybe, twice in my whole life, despite digging it all like mad.  Just, never could hit up that scene).

I know, this is whiny, but I haven’t been able to do much but vent my emotions the past few days.  Granted, I am sick, but I blame myself for that, too.  If I weren’t such a spaz, I would take better care of myself, and I would get better.  I try.  I really do. 

But, nothing I do is good enough.  Nothing is as it should be.  Not yet, anyway…

Well…

Maybe…  some things are as they should be…  not much…  but…  maybe, one or two things…

Heroin is still in my head.  But, for now, I’ve dug my heels in, and I am not f@cking budging.  Not right now, anyway… 

I know I will talk to Ace, soon.  That always helps. 

So much on my mind…  so much I should be doing…

so sick and paralyzed…

so f@cking confused…

I need to slow down.

I just need to slow down and breathe. 

Deeply… 

calmly… 

and relax.