Well here we go again being yanked down by censorship. “Video Is No Longer Available” by You Tube. You can see other scenes of other Boston Legal clips but oh no, not this one…anymore. So I'll post the script. Maybe you'll take the time to read it or not. If not it's your loss. Script: Alan Shore has brought his very own personal soapbox with him, and sets it in the middle of the floor;
steps up onto it, and buttons his jacket for good measure.
Judge Gloria Weldon: What are you doing?
Alan Shore: Climbing on my soapbox, Judge. I do it once a week.
Judge Gloria Weldon: Get off that thing now, Mr. Shore!
Alan Shore: You sure? This is vintage soapbox stuff. You've got God, money, steps off soapbox politics,
homosexuality. Has anyone ever heard of restless legs syndrome? It's where you move your leg about in your
sleep. It's awful. You may have it. It may not keep you awake; it doesn't really harm you in any way. It may
not bother you in the slightest, but nonetheless it's awful. The pharmaceutical companies have declared it so.
So they've invented a drug, and you simply must take it. If you haven't heard of restless leg, by the way, you
probably have attention deficit disorder. Awful. We've got a lot of drugs for that one. You must take them.
You're depressed.
Cut to a female juror who looks somewhat sad
Alan Shore: You're not sleeping enough.
Cut to Denny Crane, who IS sleeping!
Alan Shore: You think you're shy, but you've actually got a social anxiety disorder.
Cut to male juror who looks a bit uncomfortable with the attention.
Alan Shore: as camera pans across an older male juror Weak stream. and another male juror Irritable
bowel syndrome. You people have all kinds of ailments you don't know about. Luckily, we've got drugs for
every one of them. You must take them. My colleague has a case involving a “Forgetting Pill.” You can take
that one to forget you ever had restless leg or irritable bowels!
Judge Gloria Weldon: Mr. Shore, what are you talking about?
Alan Shore: Same-sex Attraction Disorder. And what troubles me is why the folks in Big Pharmaceutical
haven't invented a pill for this disease. Clearly, they're in the business of selling sickness. If there was a profit
to be made, they would make it. And with an estimated gay population of over 10 million in the U.S. alone,
there's certainly a big enough market. Could it be that they can't cure it? Well, not to worry. If Big
Pharmaceutical can't do it, maybe Big Religion can. And they are. They're the ones who coined the term,
“Same-Sex Attraction Disorder.” It's a very good name. Very important, a good name. It's a crucial first step in
disqualifying homosexuals as a segment of the population and categorizing them as a disease. Makes
homosexuals seem less like people and more like the flu. And with terrible, awful symptoms, makes a face
but curable, and therefore less concerning when it comes to things like an individual's rights: freedom, privacy,
marriage. Big Religion is very concerned with marriage. Big Religion is the one filling the pockets of Congress.
It actually got them to propose a Constitutional ban on gay marriage. Think about that. A governmentally
imposed, systematic prejudice against a class based on their sexual orientation. Never mind that one of the
most trusted evangelical advisors to the President was himself having a homosexual affair on the side. Never
mind that one of our Congressmen was writing naughty e-mails to his teenage male pages. Isn't it just a
disease? And I thought it was curable. That's what they told me down at the church. Well, you can legislate
against it. You can give it a clever name and treat people for it. You can shut your eyes, have sex with your
wife, and pretend it all feels right. You can join the church and swear to be celibate. You can drive around on a
Saturday night with a baseball bat and try to beat it out of some poor soul you happen to meet. You can even
come to this courtroom and testify as to your new leaf and how well it's all working. What a miracle! My only
response is: Give it time. We'll see. Meanwhile, this company took $40,000 from my client, promising to cure
him of his gayness. Only in America! Only in a country that overtly and notoriously celebrates its prejudice
against a class of people by proposing Constitutional amendments. God bless us all! Home of the brave!
Shame on you. Couldn't you have at least offered a money-back guarantee, and thrown in a blender?