My posh gym membership in city centre Dublin was officially terminated as of August 1st, 2007. I am having mixed feelings about this. I am feeling Worrie’s Itch creep under my skin, and am becoming more strict with what I eat. I hadn’t smoked for two months but in two and a half days I smoked a package to myself. This is the most I’ve ever smoked in such a small period of time. I’ve been drinking alot of liquid. The good news is I have not purged in what feels like a very very long time. I’ve been learning how much is enough, and I have been listening to my stomach. ——————————–
This weekend is my last weekend of bartending, which I have decided to be my most favorite job. I will strongly miss my metaphorical conductors hat, and the sense of ease I felt working there and talking to all kinds of interesting people. I will miss being the beer bearer for thirsty folk in the middle of the weekend summer days. I will miss going to a job where I could relax into my own character and talk to people like they were my friends rather than my customers.
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Next friday will be my last day at the receptionist position I hold. As much as I hate office jobs, this last week and a half has gone splendidly here. Cathy and Teresa were both away, so it was my role to take the lead and train in temporary workers who assisted me with answering calls while I dealt with everything else. I didn’t have to sit beside my senior wondering if I was any help. Everything was in my lap, and I believe I handled myself quite well. When the full but managable weight of a responsibility rests on my shoulders, I suddenly become very clear headed and capable. I am not good at following leads, I feel like I am stepping on heels, and in worse cases tripping the leader all together. Sometimes I stray away or get too far behind, and the tugging of the other person confuses me. I feel stupidly unsure most of the time when I am working with Cathy or Teresa, simply because they have a more established position than I did or ever will. I never really had a mother who told me what to do, or give orders. She told me to do everything myself, to go places, and screw everyone else because I didn’t need them. The last instruction I gave from my mother was always said to me in some form when my feelings were hurt or I experienced rejection through my life. I listened to my mother. I do very well at pulling up the slack on my own, by myself, but to pull with a person leaves me wondering how much effort I should use, and wondering fearfully if I will be strong enough, good enough. This reminds me of an entry I need to write about past relationships. Later, later. Anyways, my days in charge at reception have given me a confident boost, and I feel that my coworkers are less apprehensive to come to me when they need something done. I feel better about myself and my role, and my smiles are more genuine. I am just grasping this job now and already I am leaving next week.
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(I will write more later) lunchbreak——————

Do you like your rainbows faint
so sapped in mist and sunlight that you wonder is it really there
or should they be so bright and crisp that you swear if you groped, it would shatter in your hands

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