I feel scared today. Scared as hell. I feel like running and hiding under a blanket and screaming and crying. I feel like kicking something until the anxiety is out of me. But I can't, I have a little guy depending on me and my mother sitting in my living room visiting all the way from Kentucky. This Friday I get to go see my counselor for the first time in months. I am excited to getting back to regular counseling visits, but the freaking bastard OCD is taking a position on my shoulder again and whispering horror into my mind. I fear she will find me horrible and unfit and take my son away. This is a person I have seen many times before, yet I fear with every cell in my body, every beat of my heart, every breath into my lungs, that she will think I have done something bad. And then my mind spirals out of control and I worry, "oh my gosh, what if I have done something bad and I don't remember!!!" And then my checking compulsion starts as I run through my memories in continuous flashback driving me out of my mind. So many of my thoughts revolved around inappropriate, horrid sexual or violent thoughts. I hate them. Mainly because I am so far from them. And I remember a couple of times my counselor has talked to me about something her children or grandchildren said or did. All very innocently I would wonder what her kids and grandkids were like. What did they look like. But my OCD was distort it and my mind would say, maybe you were wondering what they were like or what they looked like because you wanted to have an inappropriate thought. I DIDN'T!!! But in just that moment, my OCD got a foothold and started streaming the thoughts. Here is the deal. I don't even know what my counselor's children or grandchildren look like, so the thoughts are completely my OCD. But they still frighten and horrify me. To be honest, I am not sure I have really had a bad thought, just the thought of having a bad thought. But I have bad thoughts about anyone and everyone. And I fear so very completely losing my child. And why am I so afraid. She has seen me before. She understands OCD. She understands I am a good person. So why oh why am I so afraid.