I feel scared today. Scared as hell. I feel like running and hiding under a blanket and screaming and crying. I feel like kicking something until the anxiety is out of me. But I can't, I have a little guy depending on me and my mother sitting in my living room visiting all the way from Kentucky. This Friday I get to go see my counselor for the first time in months. I am excited to getting back to regular counseling visits, but the freaking bastard OCD is taking a position on my shoulder again and whispering horror into my mind. I fear she will find me horrible and unfit and take my son away. This is a person I have seen many times before, yet I fear with every cell in my body, every beat of my heart, every breath into my lungs, that she will think I have done something bad. And then my mind spirals out of control and I worry, "oh my gosh, what if I have done something bad and I don't remember!!!" And then my checking compulsion starts as I run through my memories in continuous flashback driving me out of my mind. So many of my thoughts revolved around inappropriate, horrid sexual or violent thoughts. I hate them. Mainly because I am so far from them. And I remember a couple of times my counselor has talked to me about something her children or grandchildren said or did. All very innocently I would wonder what her kids and grandkids were like. What did they look like. But my OCD was distort it and my mind would say, maybe you were wondering what they were like or what they looked like because you wanted to have an inappropriate thought. I DIDN'T!!! But in just that moment, my OCD got a foothold and started streaming the thoughts. Here is the deal. I don't even know what my counselor's children or grandchildren look like, so the thoughts are completely my OCD. But they still frighten and horrify me. To be honest, I am not sure I have really had a bad thought, just the thought of having a bad thought. But I have bad thoughts about anyone and everyone. And I fear so very completely losing my child. And why am I so afraid. She has seen me before. She understands OCD. She understands I am a good person. So why oh why am I so afraid.

4 Comments
  1. laur65 11 years ago

    I feel like you today as well, so you are not alone. My thoughts circle around harmful thoughts of other people, mainly people I am close too and love dearly. I have been on antidepressants for over a month, felt they were helping but now feel completely out of control. I am so scared I might do something, and like you my mind always has to bring up something from my past or present and twist it around and make it as if I want the thoughts there. I don't have a therapist yet, but I know I will make an appointment this week to get together with one because I feel crazy and I need help before it gets worse than it has been the past 2 days, as I have gone through a lot, A LOT of stress the past 2 days. I hope things with your conselor will go good, and that you shouldn't worry about her taking your kid away because she does know you are a good person and that ocd people are the safest people to actually be around. Best of luck

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  2. bluerosie 11 years ago

    Ahh, my friend, if you find the place you can scream and run and hide and the way to be able to do it, let me know.  I feel the same way.  And I know what you mean about the thoughts.  I've had inappropriate thoughts, yes, but of course, my OCD put way more meaning on them than they deserved.  I have probably had way more thoughts about having inappropriate thoughts than I have actually had inappropriate thoughts.  And never have I ever, ever enjoyed an inappropriate thought involving a child.  *shudder*  I'm sure you're the same way.  But still the same fears come.  I have these fears all the time that someone will somehow find out what a mess my house is and get my pets taken away from me….  Praying you feel much, much better.   

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  3. hancey 11 years ago

    One of the keys to help might be in your blog here.  You report that you get the thought:  “oh my gosh, what if …”   This is a dead give away.  Any thought that you get that starts out with “what if…” you can be pretty sure is simply your OCD kicking in.  So common that the OC Foundation used to put out a big lapel button that said “What If…?”  How can you use this?  Not as easy as it sounds, but if you can get to the point that, whenever you get one of those “what if…”  thoughts, you can then tell yourself, “hey this is OCD, not me and not reality, and I can let it go” then it might be easier to move on and not get stuck.   Best wishes with it.  BTW, how is it going with the computer based CBT stuff?

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  4. raider916 11 years ago

     Sorry to hear that you’re feeling so scared. Especially since its you being scared of being something you can never be. Like you said, OCD is kind of like a devil sitting on our shoulders at all times, feeding us unwanted thoughts and doubt filled ideas and emotions…all while the angel on the other shoulder looks the other way with nothing to say. Maybe its because it knows OCD is all bullshit that just makes us “feel” like theres no hope. Would still be nice if it would flutter over to the other should and slap the sh!t out of OCD every once in a while and shut it up for at least long enough for us to feel free for a while. Hope you feel better soon and doctor appointment goes well.   

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