I went out to see my therapist again today. I don’t know if the weather was reflecting my mood, but it was utterly miserable.

I went out to get the bus at 130pm, but I was still waiting at 2pm. The bus was so late. I started to panic. I knew if this bus was any later I was going to be late for my appointment. I have a huge fear about being late for appointments, or infact anything. It’s just a thing I have. I ended up ringing up mum and asking her to take me into the nearby bus mall, where lots of busses leave into town. I was in luck as there was a bus right there ready for me. The closer the bus got into town, the more the rain came down, I’m glad I grabbed an umbrella.

By the time I got into town, and walked up the hill and arrived at the therapist’s cottage, I was on perfect time, infact 5 mins early! When I went into the waiting room this time there was music playing. It was classical piano music. It was beautiful. I just sat there and closed my eyes, and was kind of falling asleep to it! I really need to find out what radio station frequency that was on because I would really love to listen to more of that. I remember the radio announcer introducing one of the pieces as a Shopan ( I have no idea how they spell it but I have heard of him before). I was glad that she wasn’t as late as she was on Friday. She was only running 10mins late, and I can deal with that.  

Today we discussed fear, anxiety and getting out of the house more. I have developed somewhat of a fear of leaving the house. She said I am agoraphobic, I don’t know if I agree with that, but I do know that when I leave the house I kind of panic. I have become so used to being at home, safe in my house without everyone out there looking at me. I get this overwhelming sense that I’m being watched, or that someone is about to yell at me, or bash me or something. The only time I really leave the house is for my meetings with my probation officer, and now these meetings with my therapist. She has given me some homework (ugh please), I have to fill in this sheet with my “what if’s”, see if the are realistic, and basically just challenge my thinking. I’m not very good at this sort of thing, so I don’t know how I’m going to go. She also showed me some breathing exercises that will help in situations where I feel anxious or panicked. I have to these exercises 10 times. I honestly have no idea how I’m going to remember to do them, but I guess I have to try.

At the end of the session, she told me what she is going to be working with me on, on her list were things like, my anxiety, Depressive thinking, becoming more social, improving my self esteem, and nutrition. I don’t know about the nutrition thing, but all the rest I do need help with. She was happy with my lack of drinking, and she asked me if I was proud of myself, I said no. I think she found this strange. My thinking is that I shouldn’t be proud of myself getting into this situation in the first place. I have nothing to be proud of. My next session is for Christmas eve, what a way spend my Christmas eve, in with a therapist. Nice…

When I left the office, it was raining even more, it was utterly miserable. It takes me about 10mins to make my way back up to the bus mall, the bottom of my jeans were drenched. So not fun, I was cold and wet, and felt miserable.

On other news I went to bed early last night, well early for me, it was about 1am. I still didn’t wake up until 11am, but I guess I still got more sleep than I usually do.  I had so many issues with DT yesterday, hope that it’s working better now.

Just a miserable ….miserable day…