Im getting use to it… the low vibe… the sadness and disappointment… the force that i have to drive out of myself to maintain a certain level of strength, just so i don’t cause problems. I feel I’ve been strapped to a conveyer belt where i have no time or even foresight to evaluate the changing events. Thats probably not true, as I’m slow and lazy and i seem to refuse to acknowledge and analyze situations happening right in front of me. I don’t listen, i don’t watch, there is a level of apathy in my focus drive, and i only get lucky if i catch something and actually grasp it. But, no, its not even about luck. Its about a certain level of life and activity and energy that I choose to push out of my being. Choose… is that really the right word? Sometimes i just feel disabled, or like, my brain devolved and it just got so fucking use to being a lazy piece of shit that it just doesn’t know how to function on its own anymore past these reptilian instincts. God! I feel so dumb! And all of this that i feel about myself and continue to feel about myself, because its not changing, has contributed to me learning to separate my emotions from everything, when i can control it. Everything must remain objective now. It isnt about me and my feelings anymore and it never should’ve been. I never should’ve let it get this far… I can’t express my feelings anymore because they’re either negative and i act like my imaginary 20 yo dog died, or they’re too excitable and i start acting like a fool, and I’m done fucking with his shit. I remain rigid right now, though, because I’ve been so sensitive lately. Every change i don’t like makes me feel grief, or fear, or anger, or confusion.. or whatever… and i usually just clench my stomach and focus on my breathing and my appearance. I can’t be lookin’ like a crazy bitch, or i cause problems. Just looking like you have a problem… and it’s so easy to slip into a mindset where your face will just react to your thoughts, no matter where you are. And usually it isn’t predetermined, my reaction. It’s not like I’m sitting there thinking about my thoughts, then my emotions arise, and I’m like “ah! Perfect time to wear this scowl on my face 😀 !”, while searching for the rice at the grocery store. But, thats the involuntary and intrusive thoughts that just appear whilst in the mist of doing the most basic activity, one which requires only menial thought, giving space for the thoughts that really take over. The ones that you don’t want to think about. The ones that make you sick. When you’re a 26 yo failure with a family to support, mental illness, and parents who didn’t raise you to be functional, you’re bound to consider why people even think to take a second look. I’m a shitty person. WHY would anyone want to put up with this? Why would anyone want to live their life with a person who’s sad and shitty all the time? Like, literally, everyday, a shitty person. And trust me, it’s been addressed, and addressed again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and so on and so forth… but, I’m just gonna keep trying. Because I’m to lazy a bitch to kill myself, knowing that would really be the best option for everybody, and ANY other path in life, besides with him, i couldn’t live. I would become even shittier a person… and then I’d REALLY probably kill myself then. When will i change…………. Will i change… can i change… it doesn’t really seem so, at this point…. When you’ve been trying for years and nothing really changes… yea, i think i should be very worried. I’m always so scared, “this next mistake might very well be my last.” A human being can only handle so much. And i can only be so disgusted with myself.


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