I dont' have anyone I can talk to so I guess I'm just going to start blogging here.

Ok so we have always tried to be there for our kids.  My husband who passed away last year was very big on always trying to do everything we could to help them out.  Now I'm by myself one income yet my three grown kids, 21, 26, 30 still come to me for help. 

I can't seem to say no because I still have this need to be there for them. It doesn't make my life easy and I'm starting to feel used and unhappy and depressed because I can't do things that I want to do for myself.  If I tell them no they get so mad and can't understand why I have to "be that way". 

I know what I need to do, I need to cut them off, I know that.  I just don't know how to do it.  I tried to talk to my mother-in-law but her answer was that I was all they had now the only person they had that they could turn too.  I know this that's why its hard for me to turn them down plus I have this inner need to help them.  How do you turn that off. 

My credit card has almost 5000.00 on it that is all them.  I have good credit me and my husband always took care to try and keep a good credit history.  My sister invited me on a trip but I turned her down because I was to afraid to spend the money thinking that the kids might need it. 

Now that is bad I know.  But my oldest struggles she works hard, she really does and also has three kids and its hard for me not to help if her car tears up or she recently had to move the landlord where she lived decided to sale the house and she didn't have the money to move.  What was I to do, she had to have 1600.00 just for rent and deposit on another house. Where could she have gotten that kind of money if I hadn't given it to her.

Now she's mad at me, she got married to someone that I'm not over the moon about and was upset because I didnt' jump for joy.  I really hope she is happy she really deserves to find someone she can be happy with and I hope but I'm not holding my breath just yet that this will be the end of her needing from me so much but what has already happen since is that they borrowed my late husband's truck that I probably will never get back.  That is just my gut feeling, they will keep the truck because they will never be able to afford buying him one. (his broke down)

That's all for now.  Maybe i'll write more later.  I had a good cry was feeling really depressed today  I miss my husband so very much.  Its been about a 1 1/2 years but i wish so bad I could get him back some way some how.  Sometimes I wish I could go far far away.  I have no one in my life I can talk to.  I sat on the sofa and thought of everyone I know and there is no one I can just call up and say I need to talk.