It's really truly over now, thank God, maybe now I can actually relax. Start being myself again andstop the asskissing. Never again, I vow, will I want something to work as badly as I wanted this one–especially something so obviously destined to fail. That should never be on one's mind from the beginning fo a relationship. From now on my self-interest is my guiding principles. First dates are easy, I'm finding now. That's why a lot of people just straight-up make it a job interview, they usually go fairly well, everyone being on their best behavior, so why not just be yourself and save lots of time?
It's amazing the weight I feel lifted today. Yesterday all throughout work, I was thinking of harming myself but that always tends to fade as I get home. I can see why some people work themselves to death now, it's the only way for them. I woke up this morning and realized that the rest of my life is going to be without her. It was such a relief; I don't need to think about her ever again, to worry how she will take what I do next, because there will never be a next time.
Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy in action, but it really seems sometimes that I can only truly discover what another person is after once they have left. I am pretty sure now that this inexperienced uptight stick in the mud ex-hs-gf only wanted to use me to learn a few tricks, possibly to take her virginity, and when she saw that I was only human and wanted more it turned her off. It's so funny how people change in 11 years' time. I wish she had seen me the opposite, that she would like me and find me physically disgusting, than find my personality repulsive but desire my body like candy. Well, this is the lot I've been dealt. I was capable of leaving her alone, and carrying out my plan, I just opted not to, I shouldn't have to, and she is insane to carry on relationships this way. That's all. I actually want to find a productive relationship with a someone intelligent enough to explain the news to me (no more creatives, they can never be nearly as good as they think they are), settle down, but it's so hard to convince people I'm not just some fling anymore, I'm not only reacting to their attraction to me, again, as narcissistically as they believe.
People say a child won't fill the void in my life. I don't know, but I believe it's the only thing that possibly can. A little version of me to protect and nurture and depend on me to remain stable and make the government send me money. Seriously, I'd make an excellent dad, since my whole life has been one big search for a father-figure, I know exactly the qualities I need to develop. Or perhaps I am simply delusional.
That was literally past my last chance to be with a high school sweetheart. I can't believe I need to go back to dating, I think with asigh…I'll have to clean the house, I suppose, and develop a personality. The romantic world may be in danger. It is so difficult to go in with the mindset of long-term, because I fall in love too easily, and then even when I don't expect it to work out, I'm probably thinking ten years ahead of what anyone else would be. I just need to take my time and find someone suitable and never ever again look at the two of us on the first date and think we make a good couple then extrapolate that to speculations about what our children might be like. That would always be a dangerous activity, that anddrinking on the second date.More difficult than these considerationsis how to somehow what a stately ruin is my life from someone with the intelligence level I am seeking. Perhaps it will only work if I find someone as broken as me.
1 Comment
  1. OopsDoomed 9 years ago

    I don't know, honestly I would but I don't know if I will ever be financially sound enough to afford all of the expenses associated with a child. And…while I don't want to sound callous or judgemental, I see a lot of people who shouldn't be having children having more and more and continually leeching more money off of the government. Just because I wasn't born rich, I don't think that should preclude me from passing on all I have to offer to the next generation, you know? I am a smart and rational person and would make sure my kids are raised right. I know everyone says that too. I can't explain it, I know I don't owe anything to this world but I just need something of mine to carry on after I'm gone.

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