i’ve been sick for almost 2 weeks now and have had plenty of time to obsess.  I could use some advice, or just someone to listen.  My latest obsession is about a week old.  I’m constantly having sexual obsessions toward my 2 year old daughter.  I have had almost all types of obsessions, but this type really sticks around.  I was just reading out of the book "The Imp of the Mind’, which is about ocd.  On page 35 it talks about how people with the ocd i suffer from are constantly noticing what is going on in their genital area.  I do this all the time, and always notice where my hands are, where my kids hands are if they are close to me, etc.  Alot of times, i will ignore all the ocd crap and i continue to change diapers, buckle in care seats, give baths etc.  Every time i try to fight my ocd by ignoring it, i pay the price mentally.  For instance if i let a child sit in my lap and try to think nothing of it, if they inadvertantly put their hand in that "area", i’ll say to myself…"you could have prevented that"….and then i ruminate for days.  I don’t want anything sexual from my kids or want to do anything to my kids…..I can scream this from the rooftops for the world to hear…but these obsessions still bother me.  I just need support from other sufferers…i’m so sick of this disorder.  Another part of the book i’m reading said that out of any psychiatric disorder that the author know of, ocd is the most mentally tormenting of all…..i would have to agree.  So last week my 2 year old daughters face is dirty after eating…so i grab a cloth, not knowing that i would be obsessing this long about the next 20 seconds that was to come.  She is standing on the floor so i go behind her to hold her head to wipe her face.  Automatically i feel something down there, especially when she throws her head back into my private area.  I ignore that and proceed to wipe her face…she hates that so she throws a fit.  The anxiety of trying not to let ocd win or whatever causes me to notice even more sensation down there.  I’m not having success since she’s throwing a fit so i move forward and mover forward toward the couch….to kind of pin her down to wipe her face….by this point the feeling "down there" is causing enough anxiety to where i quit what i’m doing and hold her down on the floor.  all of this transpired in probably 10-15 seconds.  Now my mind is going back over the situation hundreds of times.  "did i move forward to get a sexual feeling"?   i don’t remember having that thought at all….it seems like i just remember more of noticing the "feeling down there".  It wasn’t an erection at all…just some surge of "feeling".  Anyway, I hate this.  I can’t remember exactly what happened.  Did my body just impulsively move toward some sexual feeling.  It’s blurry and confusing…and i hate it.  I’m a therapist myself and i am fearful that i’m going to do something to lose my liscense…but I DON’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING WRONG TO MY KIDS!!…..  I wish this would all just go away…i deal with this kind of stuff all the time.  Sorry for the nature of this blog…but i needed to talk to you all.  Did i do something wrong, i know from my daughters standpoint i haven’t…and any bystander would say i didn’t do anything wrong if they saw the situation.  but really….i have to live with this, i have to accept this myself……any feedback would be helpful….thanks for listening.

 

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    Would it help if you prepared the faceclothe and handed to you daughter to clean her face, thereby conveying that she is big enough to do some ot thesse things herself.  If she doesn’t get it all clean, hand her a mirror and tell her she missed some.  Maybe devising such stratergies would help forstall that  particular ocd trigger/

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