Hello out there internet world of splendiferousness.
I belong to probly 5 social networks or more. Nothings active enough for me on my days off. lol
I go crazy in my head. Literally before I found this site I was imagining myself trying to stimulate certain areas of my brain and screaming in corners of it. Don't exactly know what that means, it's more a feeling. haha. In any case I then looked up, " How do I know what parts of my brain i'm using?" Which led me to…hmmm… I should look up more about my OCD.
Does anyone else think OCD may affect their dreams ?
I always remember them, people say that's odd to begin with. I also kind of get caught in them. Literally I'll know I'm dreaming and try like hell to wake up and it's hard to get my eyes to open and stop the dream. I also have dreams that repeat in loops- Like I'll dream I woke up and get up and go to the bathroom and find out I'm still dreaming…then "wake up" and it repeats, I'm STILL dreaming. When I finally actually wake up I'm usually so afraid I'm dreaming that I'm shaking.
I get the violent and sexual imagery… and hurting my friends imagery. Used to a lot more back in highschool. I was diagnosed at 16.
I would lie to my therapist though, and I figured if she couldn't see through it that she didn't deserve the truth. I was a stupid kid. But, eventually she said she thought I was stable enough that I didn't have to come see her if I didn't want to.
Since then I have slowly found out OCD exists in more of my life than I thought.
I only stop the microwave on certain numbers. I count when doing things to figure out the aproppriate amount of time to do them. I sing verses of songs in my head sometimes for the same reason, using them as a measure of time. When I exercise, same thing, I have to do only certain numbers.
I like the numbers, 2,4,7,9,12,14,17,19,23,27,29,42,44,47,49,74,77,79,92,94,97,99.
27 is my favorite of all. I filled the cats waterbowl today to the count of 27.
I have this irrational fear that I'll die at 27 or somthing else will happen.
I get super upset if someone is not on time, but I hide this. I tailor my activities to fit to times.
My weight… I've been dieting. I check the scale every morning now and the number dictates how I let myself eat. I count calories.
I tried to tell myself this morning that I didn't have to get up and take the garbage out the moment I got up, but I couldn't help it. I had to. I knew I couldnt rest until I did.
My nails… if I chip one or get a weird edge I mess with it until it's fixed and fixate on it.
It's just everywhere….lol.
Sometimes, I wonder how much is who I am and how much is OCD.
I also wonder if I took medication if It would take part of me away.