About seven years ago, just after the events of September 11^th, and after sitting in my house for about fours years I decided it was time for a change. I did not want to be alone the rest of my life. Not being one much for going out I put up a personal ad online.

I was completely honest about my situation. Said I was depressed and agoraphobic and that all I was really looking for at the time was a friend to spend time with and drink some beers. I really didn't think anyone would reply. But someone did.

She had just moved to a nearby city after meeting someone online who wasn't who they said they were. Or so she said. Not knowing the area she thought we would be able to meet but neither of us drove and the public transportation around here is horrendous. We played email tag for about a week until she told me that she was going back to where she came from. The stress of being in an unknown city with no one around to talk to got to her.

Then came Christmas Eve. I was at a friend's house spending the night and after he had went to dream of sugar plums I logged on to check my email. There was one from her, she had made it back in one piece (there was a huge snowstorm brewing just as she left town) and she gave me her instant message name. Having nothing to do I hopped on and sent a message just to see if she was around. And there she was. Finally, we get to talk.

We chatted until the wee hours of the morning. Mostly about nothing, but we got to know each other a little bit. It was nice. When we finally logged off we decided to keep in touch through IM, which we did.

In the coming months the chats got more frequent and longer. I remember one time being logged into chat for 24 hours straight. Eventually I asked her to move in with me. A big step, I know, she was living 400 miles away and she was basically turning around to a place she had just fled from. But she moved in.

The beginning was rough. She was in a new place and I was not used to being around people, let alone people living in my house. But we persevered. We were in love. The next couple years were pretty good. Of course there were the regular relationship ups and downs but I couldn't really complain. Except that one time I ate a bottle of pills because she made a decision I didn't agree with. But that's another story.

All through this time she had kept in contact with her other friends through IM and I thought nothing of it. You gotta have people to talk to, whether you like being with people or not. Until she told me she was moving out.

Apparently she had met someone else in chat and fell “in love” with him. He even sent her money so she could afford to get her stuff back to whence she came to get away from me. Just fricking lovely. Cheating on me in my own house. Thanks a ton.

I was devastated.

Not being one to give up I tried my best to get her to come back. She was having none of it. Our contact over then next couple months dwindled and then it was gone. Then for some reason one day she messaged me. All the feelings I had for her came rushing back and I told her I'd do anything to get her back. She told me there was nothing I could do because she didn't want to be locked up in the house for the rest of her life. I didn't go out enough, if at all. On a complete whim I told her that I'd hop the next plane to come get her. All she had to do was say the word.

“word”

Eight hours later I was on my way.

We spent the next week and a half going out and having fun. It was great. Towards the end of my little trip we went to the bus station to buy a pair of tickets home. She was coming back a week after me as she had things to tie up and I couldn't afford to stay in a motel anymore.

As before things were tough at first. Both of us have mental illnesses and they weren't getting any better but we made the most of it. We had each other for support again.

I had moved while she was away and eventually we moved again. Right into the city where it all started. After living here for about a year she decided she wanted a place of her own and to support herself financially. As much as I hated this idea it was for the best. We were both on Social Security and if we didn't live together finances would be better. And she was only moving into the neighboring building, we can see each other's windows, so we could still see each other all the time.

Over the next two years we saw each other practically every day, there was never a lapse of more than three. Until recently. She was coming off one of her meds, one of the most evil meds ever, so she was having a hard time. I tried to give her some space to cope with it all figuring she'll talk to me when she's ready. She did and it wasn't good.

She dumped me, again. And again I was devastated.

Her reason this time, or so she told me, was because I was too depressed all the time. True, but so was she. I got my keys and camera back from her and went home to drink, a lot. At one point she called the police on me thinking I was ready to off myself, close but not quite. Another time I went to the hospital myself just so I could have someone to talk to. In a city on a million people she was the only one I ever talked to.

Things got worse and I continued to drink myself sick, still recovering a bit actually, but I got out of my stupor. Mostly because I ran out of money. I started to try and pick myself up a little by cleaning the house. I'm kind of a neat freak and having the house look nice makes me feel better.

When I was putting away the camera she had borrowed I decided to pull the memory card and resync my game saves. It was originally for my game system but had let her use it so she could take more pictures. I put it in and the system told me it was full so I popped it in my computer to see what was up. There was a movie file on it, took up the whole card. I remember taking movies over there for her from time to time but never remember using that particular card.

I loaded it up and there she is, half-naked getting into bed and then telling someone that she loves them. Was it something that she just never sent me? After comparing the time stamps on the card and camera it was apparent it was not. Recorded just two days before she dumped me.

Furious does not begin to describe how I felt.

I looked into it and sure enough she yet again met someone online and fell “in love” with them. At least she's consistent. Let's recap, there's the original guy from the city where she was when I first met her. Myself, twice. The guy she left me for the first time, and now this person. That's four, in seven years.

I had to confront her with my new found knowledge and she just blew it off like it was nothing. She told me that it had only started about a week before she broke up with me. New math I guess, a week trumps seven years. And I was the one that stuck with her through all of it.

So here I am, telling a bunch of internet strangers all this because I have no one else to talk to. I'm all alone in the big city and the girl I thought I would die with is within arms reach.

At least I know now to not even try to get her back, she'll just do it again in a few years. Like clockwork it is.

Shame On Me