Tis the season… for feeling even more isolated and shitty than normal.
All I want For Christmas Is You
That song, particularly the version of it in the movie Love Actually… just made me cry.
I keep thinking 'next year' will be better. Next year I will have someone special in my life to share time with… I will have friends who I can get together with and buy gifts for… I will be happy.
Each year… I'm disappointed, but none so much as this year. All of this build up… knowing that this year is ending, and another year is starting and I'm still… here. Stuck in a place I just don't belong. And I can't help but feel like all I want to do… is disappear. I want to stop trying so hard to please everyone else. I want to stop feeling so guilty for not wanting to be here… in a world that keeps rejecting me everytime I reach out.
I'm so tired… of my siblings not trying/helping out enough. Of my father and his drinking that always ends in my having to go out with my mom late friday night to pick him and the car up at the bar only to have him make me cry before the night is over. I'm tired of trying to say what he wants me to hear, and then when I say what the truth is having him tell my mom how fucked up I am, and how he will take the computer out of my room and have it turned off by 10pm… like I'm not the 25 year old, but some teenager who deserves such treatment. I'm tired of not sleeping… having my schedule all fucked up because I just can't fall asleep when I should…. and then during the day, just an hour or so after I finally wake back up, feeling tired again.
I just want to have a full time job, and live on my own. I want to have friends… I don't need someone in my bed… I just need people who understand me and give me the chance to be who I really am. I need someone to understand me.
This has been about the worst christmas/holiday season ever. Even when I keep up the mantra that it will be over soon, I'm back to feeling shitty that another year passes and I just get older and more isolated…. and I feel more sick.
I don't want this… any of it. If there's a choice between having some sort of normal life or just not living in this fucked up world… I choose not being here. No matter how normal I am, it doesn't change the fact that people didn't accept me for who I am in the first place.
And to all friends here and on myspace who've left me comments… I'll respond… just haven't been up to it yet. I check in, but I just don't have anything to say I guess.