This is part 2 of my rant about being angry at God, the universe, my circumstances.
You people may not know this but I am a highly intelligent, over educated ex police officer as well as a Rescue swimmer/ climber. I am well known all over the rocky mountains for my rescue climbs. I am also known by the Coast Guard as a contract rescue swimmer. Here is Texas, I was a well known, well respected, highly decorated police officer. Not a beat cop. I was a beat cop for 4 years on some of the meanest streets of Dallas Texas. I took a job in the town I lived in called Weatherford where I started to use my education and special talents for my work. I was an animal cruelty investigator, a child crimes investigator, and lastly a Criminal Profiler/ hostage negotiator. I was well like in my department and well respected in many other departments where I would go where there were any serial criminals to profile them to catch them in the act. About 12 years ago, I was approached by the FBI to become a profiler for them, but I didn't want to move my kids away from grandparents and move them all over the country so I turned them down. HIV did not take this from me. My MS did. I have been fighting it for 4 years. There is no treatment and there is no cure. Standard MS drugs do not affect my form of MS. They know very little about it because apparently I am the only known person who has lived longer than 6 months. My friends say it is because I am stubborn and I never go by the rules. LOL
I am angry. Becuase of this disease I have lost my job, my family, my self respect, my self esteem, my entire life. The symptoms change from week to week and my doctors can only do their best to lessen them and just wait till it is all over.
The other day, I went out into my pasture and screamed into the sky at God. I was not exactly polite. I do believe you can be mad at someone, but still love them. I screamed to God "what did I do to live in so much pain until the day you finally take me. I also screamed to God that I wished he would just shit or get off the pot. Made me feel a little better, but now I have a headache again and no high powered prescription headache medicine works.
This is why I want to stop the meds. To force his hand. See what he has in store for me. Just to see if anything changes. What is the point if I stop and nothing changes?? My HIV numbers are better than my doctor has ever seen in a patient so I am not worried that my HIV will get worse. I am undetectable with CD4 over 1600.