This is part 2 of my rant about being angry at God, the universe, my circumstances.

You people may not know this but I am a highly intelligent, over educated ex police officer as well as a Rescue swimmer/ climber. I am well known all over the rocky mountains for my rescue climbs. I am also known by the Coast Guard as a contract rescue swimmer. Here is Texas, I was a well known, well respected, highly decorated police officer. Not a beat cop. I was a beat cop for 4 years on some of the meanest streets of Dallas Texas. I took a job in the town I lived in called Weatherford where I started to use my education and special talents for my work. I was an animal cruelty investigator, a child crimes investigator, and lastly a Criminal Profiler/ hostage negotiator. I was well like in my department and well respected in many other departments where I would go where there were any serial criminals to profile them to catch them in the act. About 12 years ago, I was approached by the FBI to become a profiler for them, but I didn't want to move my kids away from grandparents and move them all over the country so I turned them down. HIV did not take this from me. My MS did. I have been fighting it for 4 years. There is no treatment and there is no cure. Standard MS drugs do not affect my form of MS. They know very little about it because apparently I am the only known person who has lived longer than 6 months. My friends say it is because I am stubborn and I never go by the rules. LOL

I am angry. Becuase of this disease I have lost my job, my family, my self respect, my self esteem, my entire life. The symptoms change from week to week and my doctors can only do their best to lessen them and just wait till it is all over.

The other day, I went out into my pasture and screamed into the sky at God. I was not exactly polite. I do believe you can be mad at someone, but still love them. I screamed to God "what did I do to live in so much pain until the day you finally take me. I also screamed to God that I wished he would just shit or get off the pot. Made me feel a little better, but now I have a headache again and no high powered prescription headache medicine works.

This is why I want to stop the meds. To force his hand. See what he has in store for me. Just to see if anything changes. What is the point if I stop and nothing changes?? My HIV numbers are better than my doctor has ever seen in a patient so I am not worried that my HIV will get worse. I am undetectable with CD4 over 1600.

  1. chiarasun 11 years ago

    " because apparently I am the only known person who has lived longer than 6 months "

    i think that is god answering you… just in that 1 statement alone, speaks volumes to who you are and why your stilll here, its what He wants cuz your needed here..

    i ask / cry / scream  'why' all the time, and though it honestly doesnt help me feel much better, the answer i always get, when im really listening, is 'why not?'  and because i understand what that means i can accept it, but its always hard and theres alot of just makin it thru moment by moment days 

    just you being here and sharing your feelings, helps others know they are not alone in feeling that way…  and then they find the courage , strength, faith, to continue to fight to survive… your life and love is a blessing for many 🙂

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  2. Mumbi 11 years ago

     You are alive because God wants you to be there and you shouldnt be angry at Him. He is all that we ever needed and having HIV doesnt mean that He doesnt love you…………I always ask myself how many people have died since i was diagonised n suprisingly u should also look at it like that. U have not lost lost everything becoz  you still have a family in us here at the tribe plus you are not sick in a hospital bed. Look at the people suffering from cancer…….they r in so much pain and yet they never give up. 

    God has give you good health and your CD4 is perfect. I would like to encourage you to be strong and thank God for everything even for the loss of family, job etc. Its good to shout and cry if you feel like it but lose your strength. Wish you well……….

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  3. abner 11 years ago

    Im not gonna sugar coat this,im gonna be straight up.I never did like you because of your arrogant 'better than everyone"attitude,but i respect you as a human is hard,and we all have had things thrown at us that makes us wonder if its all worth it.i hit bottom once,and poured my heart out to my father,(who i hadnt seen or talked to in 8 years at the time),and he told me something that changed my life.he said "i felt sorry for myself because i had no shoes,until i met a man with no feet".im sorry your in so much pain,but you should be greatful for every minute you get to spend with your children,and the example you show them now,will be with them long after your you really want them to see you give up?do you want them to see you lose faith in God?sorry to be so blunt,and i wish you the best. Allen

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