Well somebody call the Waaahhmbulance coz im about to go off for something stupid..
So heres the deal.. me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly four years now. and we even braved 2 of those years by long distance. We met through my cousins that I would come tovisit here in cali when i lived in Michigan. I got laid off from an onsite job at a ford plantin detroitand couldnt find work for quitea while so decided I had nothing to loose and moved out to cali for many reasons one being to be closer to him.. well its been over 2 years of me being here and even though he tells me he loves me I can tell and hes even told me in nicer ways that hes tired of always being the only person i can confide in and be with most of the time due to my social anxiety. He tells me although he wants to be understanding he wishes i could be more outgoing and go out with him and his friends /doubledates and such.
We've talked about marriage here and there and although he always says he wants to be more financially stable before saying I do i always feel and have heard him say in so many ways that he wants me to "get better" before we get married because he feels afraid that he will have to wave goodbye to his social life if we get married and i still have anxiety.. which even though i understand and reassure him thats not the case I cant lie…it hurts me really deeply to hear him say that or just thinking about it.. something that I have no control over to be used against me like that. I feel so cheated.. and Even though he is a sweet guy and I know he cares about me it hurts to know that i moved all the way across the country and left my family and only friends i had behind to be here with him and to hear that he gets tired of being my "only outlet" and although he doesnt say it to me i truly belive thats why he has put off an engagement. It hurts..everytime he invites me to go out with him and his friends or a family gathering i really wish i could go but my damn anxiety holds me back. he also complains that hes tired of making excuses everytime his family asks why i dont come around often.. It makes me more sad coz its not like im giving up and accepting just living this way (cos this is not living) i've been seeking help for this for a very long time with no avail..i've seen two psychiatrists a therapist, taken 3 types of medicines (none helped) and self help books and cds nothing has helped and i cant afford most support group sessions, the only non profit ones are too far for me to even attend so its not like i havent been doing my research to get rid of this or learn to cope with this damn disease but yet i feel like its my fault why we havent gotten engaged. I feel so hurt,helpless and pathetic… I just dont know what to do anymore. and im not the type of girl thats too stupid to realize when somethingis just no good for you and theres no needto stay latched on like a dumbassbut I sincerely lovethis guy and I know he loves me but its really hardto hear that and just feel likeyour given an ultimatum for something you can't help…I don'tthink thats how love should feel.. I think that if you love someone you shouldnt make them feel that way you should support them and not make them feel worse..I mean I totally understand why he'd be frustrated coz if i was in his shoes im sure i would feel that way to.. but idk i guess maybe he doesnt realize just how much that hurts me.. especially being out here alone with no one to turn to. I obviously have a hard time making friends since im not an outgoing social butterfly and thelittle family that i have here i dont really talk to so I only have him to turn to.. idk what to do ive been thinking of moving back home.. I know i wouldnt be happy there but im soo lonely here and i think hes just comfortable with me being hereand judging by how he feels about me i just dont see anything happening and it really hurts me since weve been together for such a long time and i know im ready for it and even though he says he is to its plain to see that were not on the same page… and it could all be in my head but i really feel its because of "my condition" why he hasnt made a move.. idk what to think anymore… i just wish i had someone to talk to:( i suppose thats why i just wrote one book of a blog : / goodnight everyone. sorry for the endless bitching..