I was born specifically to bear young, dozens of them if not hundreds, this is my biological purpose, the reason I was created, my function in this world. If I don't accomplish this I will have failed at life. My mind is like a spider, filled with all kinds of ideas to trap women into letting me get just close enough, then systematically tear down all of our defenses so there is nothing left afterwards but a clutch, a brace of my terrible progeny, none of whom I would know by name or by sight and who would go on propagating their "misogynystic" (a phrase often miscategorized to mean giving a woman what she wants but is afraid to admit imho) prowess upon the females of our species. This is also science. Maybe this is why it broke down, after a while, society intervened to impose on me such considerations as empathy, monogamy, restraint, child support, dating (a poorly designed selection process by which the weakest males best at concealing their true selves are selected to be the fathers of future generations while capable men wait in the shadows to raise their children), and condoms, all of which (besides being major libido-killers) have been scientifically engineered to halt evolution in its tracks and protect the future from any dissenting voices and meaningful intelligence. This culture has a funny way of prioritizing some very important things, particularly abstract concepts like desire. Is it the quality of the person, or the quantity?

Perhaps I'm simply unable to coexist with others. I'd do my best if I had a child thrown into the mix but I'm sure my baser instincts would get the best of me and I would end up sabotaging this like everything else I do without a decent persona on my side to guide me through it. I've tried to convince myself that my emotional shortcomings are simply a result of my circumstances, accidents, head injuries, and other forms of brain damage brought on by all of my self-destructive activities, but perhaps it really has been my fault, some failing in myself, some extension of my self-absorbed inner life or result of my selfish quest of searching for my counterpoint in the universe. So there is already that, that I would expect each of my offspring to be just a perfect variant of myself without my disadvantages. Then how might I react if my poor little darlings fell prey to the same addictive personality my father had and started drinking or doing drugs? The more one tries to protect another person from that the more susceptible they become, just hearing about it is one form of influence which sparks the initial curiosity. The D.A.R.E. program in all its lameness has no doubt driven more people to try drugs than it could ever hope to prevent. It's like on that episode of South Park where the lame adults say not to smoke so the kids can grow up to be like them, and the next scene you see them desperately huffing on cigs behind the school. Once you tell someone not to do something, you put the idea in their mind that there are reasons to do it. It's been proven.

I've also decided believing it is possible to complete anyone is a complete fallacy. Whoever said, "You complete me," was actually discovering a completeness in herself, with that person's influence happening to be the catalyst. What enormous pressure to perform! What a terrible desire to keep and hold someone who doesn't even understand why they are loved! No one loves without needing to. One might invite it in and welcome it in others for want or desire, but will never return it without feeling that need which originates from deep within and permeates every thought and action which proceeds from that one perfect thoughtful shining moment of clarity, as the needs of the other begin to exceed the desires for the self. This sense of completeness is totally unrelated to that person and not connected to anything other than their own sense of fulfillment. I'm not saying it can't work to feel a wholeness with another but setting that person up as some sort of perfect counterpoint to the self is ultimately self-destructive and often leads to the relationship being put on artificial life support (or "love support" as I call it), years after it should have died naturally, it is still holding on, clinginess and neediness ensuing, because this person cannot separate herself from the other. All goals for mutual benefit are put on hold for planning to continue loving, the very process which eclipses the self and turns one into merely an extension of the other. Therefore the best thing to do to invite love in then must be to plan NOT to love, not only will this rarely lead to disappointment, a life freely offered up to some perfect conception of love (which is really unattainable and in fact unimaginable when you come down to it) is unsustainable in any form of relationship.

if you set someone up as an extension of yourself, you compromise your own sense of being and also that person's. I propose we start using the phrase, "You finish me." Seems to me successful relationships are about helping one another end their problems, not to fill some perceived void in the other's person's usefulness as a person. You can give someone only so much. You can't do anything for them, and you wouldn't want someone in your life who was only you, or only reacting to you. You and yourself is the one relationship you can't leave, so why would you need another one? They must be autonomous and self-assured. You can be a good influence and sort of polish up their imperfections, like putting a nice shiny finish on a wood sculpture. It's not your own work, but you are only improving it.


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