Peace…..at what cost????       

Wounds almost forgotten, begin to ooze once more….   

Time stands still for no one…..         

Healing….only to die an agonizing death……     

Either endure the pain or let them win….         

Even as i type this, my hands shake.  Why?  Why am i still so afraid?  Tears running down my face…  *sigh  No sooner do i begin to smile again, than i realize it was all for naught.  No matter what i try to do, i’m always wrong.  i can’t keep making these same choices.  i know some of my behavior is asking for trouble, basically.  i KNOW this, and yet–does it matter? 

So, i try to lean in…trusted souls…my heart is crying out.  i’m tired of feeling so much!!!  i feel like it will never end.   If they aren’t hitting me and treating me like pure filth, then, i am doing the same thing to myself.  *breathe  –doesn’t help.   i wish i could simply cut my own heart out….but, i know that would cause more mess and damage than i ever wanna put on anyone else.  The level of pressure and pain continues to swell inside me.  How much more can i take?  Ultimately, i feel nothing less than disgust for myself.  Doesn’t matter what good i may’ve done…who i’ve helped or where….the shadow will always be there–as long as i live.  i know i am powerless at times………When they touch me, even as i’ve said no…begged and pleaded…my body just refuses to listen to my brain, and i freeze.  Why can’t i fight it?  i can help a stranger or friend fight, but i can’t even get my brain to cooperate with me.  What’s wrong with me??????  Will it wind up costing me more????  The ultimate???  *breathe  It has cost me so much, already.  i can’t even look at myself and see ‘me’ in the mirror.  Again, what does it matter?  One less mistake that roams the earth.  One less barrel of painful memories.  Disappointment and shame continue to run through my veins.  Extreme revulsion for myself.  Of course, most days as of late, i would just assume the desire for sleep/rest to overtake me and never let go.    Dare to dream…..?????  If they could only see the darkness you feel…the pain that continues to take over my thoughts, would it even matter?  i’m so tired of fighting this internal war.  i know one day, it’ll have to end… It has to, right?  This can’t go on forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    i have so much i need to get done, and yet, all i can think about doing is sleep.  *sigh  Not that that’ll happen…so, i must carry on, for now.  

2 Comments
  1. ucfdarkknight 2 months ago

    wow, first of all this was beautifully written!

    I definitely related to how we can help others so easily, but can’t seem to do so for ourselves. It’s so easy for me to bend over backwards for someone else, but here I am and I still can’t get myself to even submit a single resume to a potential new job. I can’t even get myself to do all the chores i want to do around the house. But if it was someone else that needed it, I could easily work on their resume, or help them clean up their place

    please do carry on. try to compartmentalize. one day at a time, right? think of all the things you’ve been through yet here you are

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  2. Author
    delane1 2 months ago

    Thank you for your input, my friend.

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