I wrote this on another site already but since i dont have nobody to talk to now i will write it onhere, perhaps i will feel better afterwards.
I am a very quiet person with no friends. Im pretty closed and tight up, always on guard with the need of ´defending´myself like I am in some kind of war. Most of the time I am at home and dont feel the need to go out to make friends since I think its better not to it anymore.
The reason why I feel its better not to is not because I dont need friends. I have to be logical and admit I do need somebody to talk with sometimes and the desire of being loved by friends, family or a partner. So the reason is more because of what I have become. I dont feel no connection anymore, it is almost like a bipolar zombie feeling or like a depressed animal trapped in a cage surrounded by humans and other sorts of animals.
I cant connect with my envoirment/people, sometimes i mysef put the bounries so that people dont get to close and yet its one thing i desire the most.
Online sometimes in chatrooms there are people I can have a laugh with or talk about certain topics with but thats all. I always try not to let it get to personal. While in what I call ‘real life’ I dont even bother to talk with somebody unless I have to. However I dont treat nobody badly if they didnt treated me that way or if I did not felt I was treated badly too. When I’m out I am very irritated all the time, all the people talking, laughing, screaming, sounds of the cars or just other sounds. I just hope to get home soon and be alone again. When I am alone sometimes I do wish I had somebody or maybe some friends but its confusing since I get irritated alot and mostly want to be alone now. I never could find a group of people i felt comfortable in, was mostly always by myself.
Most people who have tried to get close nowadays think Im not worthed to be a friend to them, that Im an idiot/stupid or that I am to boring of a person to be with since I dont do the things most people my age do. I didnt understand why it was so hard for me to make friends and be like other people until I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I can understand some things but not everything.
I get mad and or uneasy easily when somebody tries to get closer to me. It might be because I have been hurt alot by people before or because of low self esteem, i dont know. But I am something I didnt realise until now. I am ‘anti-social’, frustrated, moody (bad attidude), weak and not very atractive. I am not saying this to bring myself down but just as facts. Other people arent the problem, I am the problem. No wonder why I cant connect or socialise. I know what my fate is by now and I am beginning to accept it of course with sadness but its something you get used too i suppose.
Im not saying I am the worse person on earth, I am very compassionate sometimes I even cry for the pain of others like it was mine, very sensible and even though I dont talk alot about myself with others Ive always been the listener and the one giving advice. But I have alot of issues and I know others have worse thats why I dont think people would take the time to make friendship with somebody like me. It would be too much.
I thought I used to be the nice person but now I cant even remember some things that happened to me in the past like, or remember it like it was me. Its like looking at the past of somebody else. Did that really happen to me or was it a dream I made up ? I cant exlplain this the right way and I know it sounds odd. I find it extremely odd myself and I dont understand it.
Ive talk a few months ago with my therapist in particular about a bad thing that happened to me. She explained to me that sometimes when something traumatized you so much, your brain does that for you to cope better with it. Might be true but what about the good stuff? Only other thing I can think of is that Ive been struggling with weight to. Being very skinny, normal, thick and fat; and then keep going up and down again. Sometimes it takes time to get used to yourself while changing. Looking in the mirrow and recognise the one in it can be confusing sometimes.
I am extremely sad and unhappy but now I dont care if I have to live like this untill I die, im used to it. I do try sometimes to change some things but its like I dont want to since everytime i try to get close to somebody i get hurt. Ive been alone and hurt for so long that I cant imagine myself not being like that, it scares me. Love is my impossible desire. I dont know how I would let my guard down and let somebody in. With this I mean friendship or romantic relationship.