I am still completely appauled by all the things my mom told me the other day. I just have never seen any of this coming from her. She spoke so lowly about me. She has talked negatively about me before, but never like this. I really don’t know where to go from here. I don’t think we will ever be the same again. same with my father, too. He just told me to take it. Like, would he let other people talk to me like that, too? He was upset when Uncle Mike called me a whore, but my mom can tell me I act like God? Bow down then, hey? Might as well embrace it. It was so funny because that day I was listening to Master of Puppets by Metallica and it relates so closely to the situation I am dealing with. If the shoe fits, right? I’m just so over this. It’s hot and cold with them. Either they’re so supportive of me or they want me under a bridge………………

I still can’t get over either how my mother said “it’s always all about you and we’re sick of hearing it!” Like damn, so fuck me, right? I can’t talk about me and my life now? I can’t share my successes? They don’t want me to be happy. Fuck that right? I better not show an ounce of emotion. I dare to even speak at a normal tone anymore. I’m really confused at where I stand with them. Do they really feel some where in the middle? When ever I mention anything it must just be SOOOO boring. I don’t even get it like yeah it’s all about me! Why the fuck wouldn’t it be?!

When I take a few minutes to check in everyday has been the only time I have really tried picking my brain for answers. Dare I even try to understand it? My easiest answer is to just escape and move on. One day it won’t matter as much. I shouldn’t bother trying to understand them, thats pointless. What I need to do is find a way to come to terms with what happened. I’m not accepting the fact that my mother doesn’t care as much as I thought she did, just like my father…. I always have to be careful being too close to him because one day he always switches up on me and all of a sudden I am this horrible human being. It’s like if I don’t kiss ass and just agree with every move they make and word they speak, I am nothing, I will never be anything, they tell me to get the fuck out and that they’re sick of me.

I don’t have the answers yet as to where I go from here, what do I take away from this situation, how do I accept and burry the hatchet? All I know is that I must trust myself. I am enough just the way I am. My personality just doesn’t clash well with theirs. They’re very old school and I am new age. If I had to hold a ruler between us before that ruler just turned into a football fields length away……. I must water myself down around them if I want peace living here…………………. Or do I really let them win? How long can I keep this up? Should I be anyone other than myself? Wouldn’t that just be disrespectful to myself? What do I do…?