So I have this unhealthy habit, I realize it is unhealthy and I’m aware which is probably why it hurts as much as it does. I guess I hurt myself over and over again. Although I know I am a good person, I don’t litter, I’m nice to kids, the elderly and I work. I don’t really bother people much and when I say that I mean I don’t cause so much noise. Like I’m a productive member of society, Right?
Anyways I use to write in a book/Notebook, I wrote down a lot of my personal thoughts that I would want to look back on as I grew older. So in a way a filter, a healthy one. A tool for me to process my 14 years old feelings. Eventually I would learn at the age 23 that men don’t give a shit about privacy. I was dating this guy and he found it, read it, then used it against me. He knew things about me that no one else knew. He took a peak inside my safety bubble. I had hope and trust that he would see the real me. That he was seeing the real me. No lies, no secrets…
That was the biggest lie, dream and hope. Which hurts a lot and which is why I stayed with him so long. He hated me, my openness, my sparkle, my hope, my naiveness, and most of all the fact that I knew who I was no matter how awful he tried to make me out to be. I had self love since I learned I was the only one able to make me happy. That was at young age. What changed that for a while was the fact that I went through so many tragic events. I lost my dad, my relationship with one of my role models ended very badly, and I dropped out of college for 5 years. A lot of shit happened. So i lost myself for a bit. Here I am back again.
I left that shitty guy, stopped feeling bad about myself, made new friends that are super supportive, and then went back to work, started saving. Made little steps and little noise.
MY unhealthy habit is reading the last letter he ever wrote to me, it’s all about how I lie, I did all these things, and I said this, I did that , You could have, It hurt me. But he leaves out one of the most important things. I managed not to kill myself despite all the hurt I was feeling, never asked once how he could help. I know it isn’t his job, but we were a couple, I supported him through a lot and scolded him a lot because i did want good things for him and with him.
I hate myself for caring that much about him but its also one of my strongest qualities… So I only hate that its him, but I love myself for feeling things so deeply.