I don’t know what’s wrong with me today, I really don’t. I fell asleep like four hours ago but before having done so, I tried to write a blog entry on MySpace about how I was feeling but couldn’t. I got out maybe two crappy paragraphs before I closed the entire window and just rolled over. And then I woke up and still felt like crap so I tried to write an entry here. I wrote far less than two paragraphs before closing that window, too. I’m writing this in Notepad and I’m not sure if I even like it but I’m going to try to post it anyways.
Earlier, I think I felt anxious and angry, just generally irritable. But now that I’m awake, I feel somewhat blank although I feel this little tingling sensation behind my nose, the tingling that usually means that I have to cry. I feel alone…ugh, here it comes, the stupid tears are going to start welling up…I feel like an outcast which is completely ridiculous because my boyfriend chose me, he’s with me, he’s talking to me, he’s taking care of me, not her. Some part of me is just disgusted by humanity, how some of the most undeserving people in the world get everything they want and are oh so happy and oh so perfect while some of the nicest, most genuine people continually get shit on and none of those oh so happy and oh so perfect people care.
I mean, here I am, almost 21 years old…and does anyone that I went to school with know just how badly they treated me? Do they even give a damn? I know the answer to both of those questions is no. Most of them probably don’t even remember that I was ever there. I left after 9th grade and wouldn’t you know it…not one single person noticed. No one tried to find me, not even people that treated me half decent. Since leaving, I’ve spoken with maybe three or four people from school and I don’t believe even one of them asked me where I went or why.
And the girls, ugh, all of those girls…the stupid girls who told my boyfriend, "Oh, I know you’re taken, we just want to be friends." I knew they were lying but he believed them. And I know a lot of people here are going to think that’s crap but in all honesty, I really think he did believe them. He’s one of the most open and trusting people I know and it’s gotten him into a lot of trouble. He trusted his ex with his personal information and it came back to bite him in the ass. She hacked him three times because it never occurred to him that she could be so hateful.
And then he joined a forum for Social Anxiety and made a friend, a male friend for once. He told this guy his name and where he went to school and then he made an even bigger mistake…he said something really stupid and it changed his life forever. I couldn’t believe that he’d trust someone like that but he did and I think after everything that’s happened, he’s finally realized that most people fucking suck and that’s all there is to it. He used to think that my being distant and guarded was just a reaction to having been bullied…and part of it is, yes, a large part…but it’s also how I protect myself. If I don’t welcome you into my life with open arms and tell you my full name, address, social security number, height and weight, and cup size, what are you going to do? Print out my picture and just walk around the country looking for people who know me? I think that after all the pain he and I have both endured, he’s finally getting it…and I hope that he doesn’t forget the consequences of becoming "bff’s" with a stranger simply because you’re lonely. Friends aren’t that important, not so much so that you should sacrifice your saftey and emotional health to make a new one but I suppose I can understand his drive to be surrounded by people who like him. We both spent most of our teen years alone but we each handled it differently. He grabbed onto people who paid him attention no matter how bad they were for him while I shut myself away from everyone. We both went in completely different directions and now that we’re together, I suppose we’re both learning that it’s not okay to be distant and it’s not okay to sacrifice everything one has for a bit of attention no matter how much you wish someone would like you. We need to learn from each other and settle somewhere in the middle.
But right now, I think I’m crying because I feel left out. I don’t know why or how to fix it because I know it’s part of being depressed. At first, I had to wonder…do I even belong here? Almost everyone else here is worse off than I am, am I even really depressed? It’s hard for me to label myself as depressed, I think, because the first time I had a run in with it, it was plain to see that I was effed up. I cried, literally, every day, sometimes for hours at a time until I’d fall asleep. But then once I left school, I just sat around numb and found that I could no longer cry. Even when my puppy died I started crying…but no actual tears came out and yet it hurt so bad. I felt guilty because I couldn’t cry and I loved that little dog so much.
I think now I’m more numb than anything else which is why I feel like a liar saying I’m depressed. But all signs point to something being wrong…I sit in my room all day entirely alone in the dark. I have like no motivation…not to clean, shower, do my homework, design my own major, learn a skill, pick up a hobby, make new friends…I have no motivation at all… When I’m not numb, I’m angry or crying but I’ve still managed to improve a little. I haven’t yelled at my boyfriend in like three or four days, I don’t know, I didn’t even know today was Monday until my boyfriend told me… And as a result, he’s still here, talking to me, trying to calm me down, telling me that he won’t run or hide this time and that he believes this crying jag of mine will pass and it’s nice to not be actually alone.
It’s almost midnight though which means I really need to try and chill out here. I need to get a bath…that should help calm me down more than a shower…and I need to turn the heat on, it’s cold. Then I need to throw on some clothes and get a snack from the vending machine down the hall and take my pain medication as well as some melatonin. I just need to keep trying to take care of myself even if I feel like sitting in bed and crying because whether I like it or not, I’m an adult now and I have responsibilities and I no longer have the luxury of avoiding the outside world because now I have to be a part of it.