Went shopping for my niece's 1st birthday present today. Thought it would be nice to get out of the house and buy something other than groceries. To be honest it was a stressful headache. The kids wanted everything they saw, then they were losing it because they were hungry (even though they ate before we left), then I had a major stress attack about finding the perfect card. I got so stressed about it and my hubby was trying to calm me down- it was ridiculous- it's just a fucking card- I can see that- but I couldn't stop myself- it was like the world would end if I didn't find the right one. God!
Ended up buying her an interactive guitar/microphone set which is setup for babies and lights up/plays music etc., a cool ocean inspired book with a big puppet attached (whihc my youngest loved- I think I'll have to get him one), and an antique sterling silver baby bangle made in 1910 with hearts and maple leaves embossed around the outside. Thankfully, it's not engraved. I want to get it engraved with "Life isn't measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Your birth was one of those moments. We love you". But I don't know if the jeweller will be able to fit it. It's only a little baby bangle after all. Well, here's hoping.
Had another disappointing night last night sex-wise. Paul was determined to do anything to get me to climax (I think to make himself feel better as much as me- it's gotta be a massive hit to his ego) but after an hour of absolutely NOTHING I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. The truth is, I didn't even want to try, I knew that that would be the result. But I saw the look on his face and I thought I had to try for him. Now I feel worse and I'm pretty sure he does too. He kept trying for another half an hour and I finally had an orgasm- if you could call it that. It was NOTHING like I've ever had before. It was about a quarter of the intensity it usually is and about half way through it was like my body forgot what it was doing and I just…. LOST IT. I lost the orgasm. What the fuck?? How does that happen?? Does that even happen??
I felt embarrassed, hopeless, pathetic and REALLY guilty. After all that work on my husband's part, that was IT? I know it's because of the meds but this has got to be so frustrating for him. After over 6 years of me taking a few minutes, he must be thinking WTF???!!! I know I would be.
I feel so awful and so sorry. I just wish I knew how to fix it. I know the Dr wants me to stay on Lovan for a month before reviewing it and trying something else if it's not working, but what if the next anti-depressant is the same? Or what if it fixes the sexual problems but not the emotional/mental ones? Which aspect do I forgo? My sanity or my sexuality?
If I lose my sanity, everyone including me, suffers. But if I lose the sexual, intimate, passionate part of my relationship with my husband, how long is he going to stick around? I know it's not all about sex, but if he's got a depressed, anxious loony for a wife who is dead in the bedroom, how rewarding can it be for him?? And if I lose my relationship with my husband, or if he gets bored and looks for comfort/satisfaction elsewhere, I'm going to lose my sanity anyway. I feel like it's a problem with no solution. I'm so scared. I just don't know what to do.
Had the awful bitter toaste in my mouth again all day today from the sleeping tablet. As well as bad nausea. Eating is just so hard when I feel like this. My hubby keeps saying "You need to eat something" but I just can't. Sometimes I wonder if all the side effects are really worth it. Then I realise that I haven't had a headache/migraine in over a week and I haven't thought about suicide all day everyday. So that has to be a bonus. I just wish the drugs helped with the anxiety a little more. I feel like I'm always fretting about something.
Appetite: coffee, sandwich for dinner
Gynae: no probs
Mood: scared, on edge, nervous, confused
Things that upset me today: looking for a damned birthday card, sexual side effects, my youngest not sleeping properly at the moment and don't know why
Things that I'm grateful for toady: getting a sleep in, my new journal, my hubby, the kids, my mum.